Previously
Jeanne wakes up after three days of fever to find Baldur de Skadi personally tending to her. She attempts to resign out of guilt for endangering Ana, but the Duke refuses her resignation and thanks her for saving his niece's life.
With that, he rose and walked out of the room.
That brief exchange thoroughly drained me. The moment the Duke left, I collapsed back into sleep, and it was not until the following day that I was finally able to eat a proper meal and bathe. It had been quite a while since my last bath. Merely soaking in the hot water took everything out of me. I thought I had built up a decent amount of physical stamina lately, yet just a few days in bed had left my body completely frail once again.
Three people came to visit me that day. The first was Ana.
Opening the door, Ana took one look at me sitting propped up against the headboard reading a book, and rushed over, large tears welling in her wide eyes.
Throwing her arms around me, Ana wept bitterly. I stroked her hair, telling her repeatedly that it was not true, that it had been an accident and entirely my responsibility. Cupping her face in both hands, I brushed away her tears with my thumbs and gently turned her head this way and that to check for any injuries. Ana seemed equally intent on scanning me to see if anything was amiss. Once we confirmed that each other was safe and well, we embraced tightly once more.
‘Thank goodness.’
If something terrible had happened to Ana, I would never have been able to forget those green eyes looking up from the shattered ice, seeming to ask, ‘Are you going to abandon me?’
Ana pulled up a chair beside the bed and stayed for quite a while, chattering away before she finally left.
Having wanted to see her condition with my own eyes, Ana’s visit brought me immense comfort.
The second visitor was the physician. He inquired after my physical state and advised me to drink plenty of boiled water and get ample rest. I nodded in agreement.
Then, just before dinner, the third visitor arrived with a jingle of key rings: Madame Pauline.
The housekeeper walked over to the bed, took both of my hands, and murmured that they were far too thin, promising to pay special attention to the nutritional value of my meals from now on.
‘Pardon?’
Her offer caught me by surprise. Hadn’t Madame Pauline been the one to assign me this room in the first place? Besides, it had been far too long to suddenly change rooms now.
I declined her suggestion. Although it had felt a bit cramped at first, the room had grown cozy over time, and moving all the belongings I had accumulated would be a chore in itself.
At those words, she appeared genuinely disappointed. Taking advantage of the meeting, I asked the question that had been on my mind.
I was still weak enough that I had to receive visitors from bed, and just as I was about to say that I would need at least a couple of days to recover—
Madame Pauline countered with a surprised question of her own.
“His Grace has already granted you two weeks of leave, Miss Jeanne.”
Leave? A full two weeks at that? Her words left me stunned.
With that, Madame Pauline rose to her feet.
Even after being left alone, I remained bewildered for quite some time.
‘Two weeks?’
If I were not an exile and home were nearby, it would have been long enough to visit my family. What was I supposed to do with all that time without any lessons?
Following her first visit, Ana came every day after breakfast and stayed chatting until just before lunch. Having heard that the nanny was dismissed, she was likely bored while waiting for a replacement. Not that the previous nanny had spent much time playing with her anyway.
‘Let’s just hold lessons now.’
Ana had no aversion to studying either. Even if it was not in the study room, I spent the morning hours with her reading various books or working on embroidery.
Yet even after all that, plenty of time remained. Outside, a blizzard was howling once more, making walks out of the question. After three days, staring into the hearth and downing about three kettles of boiled water began to feel like torture.
‘One more cup and I might throw up.’
Whenever I stayed in my room, a maid came by constantly offering tea and rich food. It seemed Madame Pauline had ordered it, but refusing could only be done so many times; eating continuously was actually upsetting my stomach.
‘What if I rode Brül instead? I feel somewhat better now.’
The next day, however, I went to check on Brül only to be turned away at the stables.
Such was the stable hand’s explanation.
‘Was there really any need… to go this far?’
Was he such a terrible control freak that he could not bear leaving a single servant or soldier in the estate unmanaged? In any case, denied even a ride on Brül, only one task remained available to me: reading books.
‘Surely he won’t forbid this, too.’
I had occasionally brought books back to read in my room before, but now that shuttling back and forth between the library and my quarters felt tedious, I began practically living in the library.
The shelves held enough volumes that one could spend centuries doing nothing but eating, sleeping, and reading, and plush sofas were arranged here and there for comfortable perusal. From after lunch until dinner, I holed myself up in the library and read.
Sitting there immersed in books, an odd sensation crept over me: I found myself envying the Duke of Skadi, the owner of this grand collection. The master of this place could shut himself away in this room at any moment to read and add whatever titles he wished to the shelves.
‘Envy? Isn’t that a feeling reserved for those on a somewhat similar footing?’
Seeing the royal palace library had stirred no such jealousy, yet the Duke’s library did; the human heart truly made little sense.
‘Why am I even thinking like this? I know full well that no matter how hard I strive, I could never possess a library like this.’
In my circumstances, what possible way was there to ever own such a place? Not in a thousand lifetimes could I devise one.
When I was young, I believed that one day I could have a library just like this. Back then, I thought I could become anything I wanted, so long as I wished for it. No, I truly could have. Books had made me believe so.
Within those pages lay worlds I had yet to experience and stories of people vastly different from myself, and exploring them brought me pure joy. With an entire realm of adventure open within the house, why would I have wanted anything else? I was a child who loved holing up in the study all day long. How had things come to this?
When Grandfather passed away and the family fortunes declined, the books were sold off, and my adventures came to an end. The young girl I was back then could never have imagined what the future held for me.
‘How could I have ever known my future self would end up an exile in the Skadi Territory?’
How would she feel if she knew? Deeply disappointed, no doubt. Even with ten thousand books spread before my eyes, the shadow lingering in a corner of my heart left me uncertain whether it came from knowing these books were not mine, or because I had become an adult crushed under the weight of reality, no longer capable of losing herself in a story.
…Or so I was thinking, right up until the moment something heavy as a bear’s paw came down on my shoulder.
“Aagh!”
I leaped clean out of my skin and tumbled forward onto the floor. My heart felt as though it had dropped straight through my chest—or had it already?