Previously
Jeanne focuses on building a loving relationship with Ana, teaching her etiquette and history through storytelling and gentle encouragement. Madame Pauline visits Jeanne to celebrate her formal appointment, offering her high-quality dresses from the previous mistress to replace her tattered clothes.
I can handle this much. Giving myself that quiet encouragement, I stepped out onto the training ground.
The moment I appeared, the soldiers who had already begun running in the distance—far more numerous than I had ever imagined—gasped and began whispering among themselves at the sight of me.
They clamped their mouths shut at once, startled by the shout from His Grace running at the very front. And the duke, the very man who had set this in motion, swept past me without even a glance. In that instant, it hit me.
‘He actually means for me to run.’
This wasn’t a test to see if I was gullible enough to show up. He genuinely expected me to run.
The training ground was… vast. It had to accommodate several hundred private soldiers, so its size was only natural, yet finding myself suddenly expected to run three full laps left me in disbelief. Even so, I had to do it. Breakfast would be served soon.
‘How am I supposed to run, though? Is there a technique to this?’
The moment I set off, it dawned on me that aside from my wild childhood days running around like an untamed colt, I had never once run in my life. In no time at all, my breath caught in the back of my throat and my mouth tasted of copper. I hadn’t even finished a quarter of the field. Panting hard, I pushed forward, drenched in sweat from head to toe, unable to catch my breath.
The mass of soldiers overtook me almost immediately. How many times they lapped me after that, I lost count; just keeping myself upright was a struggle. Time and again I slowed to a stop, dragging my legs behind me. Still, whenever a sliver of strength returned, I pushed into a jog. By the end of the third lap, the sky seemed to spin and turn a sickly yellow. It was sheer fortune that I hadn't collapsed on the spot.
‘I have to do this again tomorrow?’
Trudging back to the mansion, I truly could not believe it.
‘Is he… actually out of his mind?’
Having swallowed all the dust kicked up by the soldiers' leather boots and smelling of stale sweat, bathing was non-negotiable. And so, ever since the duke's return, my mornings settled into a routine: running, followed by a bath, and then lessons.
For the first few days, I had no appetite for breakfast or lunch. After wringing out every last drop of energy to finish my lessons, all I could do was collapse into bed and nurse my aching body.
‘Why is he doing this to me?’
Like someone madly in love, I thought of him every night. Not out of affection, of course; his behavior was so far beyond the bounds of common sense that I could not stop brooding over his absurd eccentricity.
‘Why, of all things?’
No matter how much I turned it over in my mind, his logic eluded me entirely.
‘Why go this far? Did my family make an enemy of him without my knowledge?’
For several weeks, unable to adjust to the biting morning air, I even came down with a cold.
Yet humans are creatures of habit. Once those few weeks passed, breathing grew steadier as I ran. The body that once felt shattered each morning began to feel light, and the number of times the soldiers lapped me steadily dwindled. Then, one day, I finally managed to run all three laps at the exact same pace as the soldiers.
‘Aaaah!’
I let out a silent cheer inside. The duke who had handed down the order wouldn't give a whit, but in that moment, I was genuinely thrilled by my own progress.
Before I knew it, autumn had arrived in full swing.
When I first came to the Skadi Territory at the tail end of spring, I was certain I would die—or suffer so horribly that dying would seem the kinder fate. But how had things actually turned out?
I had adapted to this life far better than expected. In an unfamiliar land without a soul to lean on, fortune had favored me with a decent livelihood. My employer was incomprehensible, but aside from our brief morning encounters when he forced me to run, we never exchanged a single word. Meanwhile, the pupil I sat with each day was clever and endearing, absorbing ten lessons for every one I gave.
As for the rest of my life… it was bearable enough. Apart from a single evening gown too breathtaking to alter, I tailored all the dresses Madame Pauline had given me. Stripped of extra lace and trimmings, they served nicely as daily wear; the first time I appeared in one, Lady Ana looked at me with starry-eyed wonder, whispering that I looked like a princess. I bought practical clothes and shoes for day-to-day use, along with basic necessities and a small chest of drawers to keep what little pocket money I possessed.
The dignity maintenance fund made a world of difference. Being able to press a coin into the hand of the servant girl who cleaned my room as a token of thanks meant she hauled my bathwater every morning without complaint, washed and returned my laundry on time, and made my bed neatly while I was off teaching.
At times, it was easy to fall into the illusion that I was living a normal life as a governess in a ducal estate—that I was merely far from home and unable to exchange letters.
Yet, inevitably, an agony that tore at my very soul would come creeping in. Usually, it struck the moment I lay in bed waiting for sleep to come.
‘How long will I be allowed to keep this work?’
Anxiety and dread gripped my heart.
‘I can’t remain a governess forever. Lady Ana will grow up, and one day this life must end. In fact, I could be dismissed long before that. At any moment, if I happen to displease the duke.’
My employer was an enigma. Though he paid me handsomely to care for the child, he wouldn’t hesitate to replace me the moment someone better came along. Anyone would prefer a blameless tutor over an exiled criminal.
I remembered vividly the displeasure in his gaze, and the terrible first impression I had left on him. If the duke ever realized Lady Ana’s progress was due to her own innate brilliance rather than my skill, what would become of me then?
‘When this position ends, what will be waiting for me?’
Nothing. Nothing at all.
‘What will happen to me?’
I had no future. Did that mean I had a bright future waiting for me back in Franc? Not in the least. Though I had been fortunate enough to secure two positions in a row, the world was full of noble daughters who possessed an abundance of polish and learning yet were ruined by misfortune, and noblewomen looking for tutors always preferred younger, more pliable candidates.
What, then, had given me the strength to endure another day?
It was the people I loved: my family. When the work wore me down, receiving a long letter from my mother fretting over my health, or a witty note from my younger sister that brought a smile to my face, had been my greatest joy. I never spent money on sweets or new clothes, yet I never once begrudged the cost of sending and receiving letters.
On days when the burdens grew too heavy and tears spilled freely despite my best efforts, I would count the days until my return. Governesses were granted about two weeks of leave in the final month of the year. The thought that there was somewhere I could return to, even if I quit, had paradoxically kept me going.
Living like a miser, pinching every copper, I had nurtured a secret hope. Even if marriage was out of reach for me, perhaps my sister might have a chance…. I saved money just in case a man she loved ever entered her life. Though I told no one, my savings had always been meant for her dowry.
For nobles with much to protect, marriage might simply be a means to preserve property and titles. But I could not see it that way. Without love, what was the use of all of it? To spend an entire lifetime together without affection seemed unbearable. Although bankruptcy and Father's death brought Mother endless suffering, she loved Father through it all. Did a painful end truly diminish the worth of the journey? I did not believe so.
There was genuine love in our home. My sister and I had grown up surrounded by an abundance of warmth, rare among our peers. While most noble children were handed off to wet nurses and tutors, our tutor had been our grandfather, and Mother had baked our pies with her own hands. I still remembered Father sliding his hands beneath my arms and hoisting me high into the air, playing with me again and again for as long as I asked.
That was why, even after Father passed away and Mother fell frail with illness, our family was not destroyed at its core. Even if we appeared hopelessly ruined from the outside, love sustained us.
Yet when I was exiled, I lost that family. Now, we would never see each other again.