40
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She couldn't bring herself to tell him the whole story. How could she explain that her mother loathed her eyes and sometimes, unable to control her anger, tried to stab them with scissors? She simply summarized it.
"I almost got stabbed in the eye with scissors."
She added that she had only trimmed her hair little by little with a small knife. Diego must have known that she was hiding the most important part. But he didn't ask further. Aileen took a small sip of milk and asked him in a listless tone,
"Sir Diego, is there anything you're afraid of?"
"Of course, there is. I have fears too."
She naturally assumed it was a lie to comfort her. But Diego was telling the unvarnished truth.
"I was afraid of defeat."
"Defeat?"
"Well… everyone works hard to prepare for war, strategizes, and fights, right? But sometimes, no matter how hard you try, it doesn't work out. You lose, lose, and lose again."
He seemed embarrassed as he spoke, and self-consciously swept back his hair.
"At times like that… people get overwhelmed by a sense of defeat, and I hated that."
The sight of his struggling comrades, the gloomy and pessimistic atmosphere unique to defeat, the utter hopelessness. Diego dredged up his memories and laid them bare.
"It was quite difficult for me, so in moments when I felt like I couldn't bear it, one by one…"
He playfully smiled and tugged at his ear. Having removed all jewelry for work, only several piercing scars remained on his ear.
"Piercings weren't enough, so I started adding tattoos one by one. I didn't realize it at the time, but looking back now…"
Diego paused, carefully choosing his words. After much deliberation, he selected the word that most accurately described his actions.
"I think it was a form of self-harm."
It was a statement Aileen never imagined would come from Diego's lips. As Aileen stared at him with surprised eyes, Diego shrugged.
"I'm fine now. It's all in the past."
He grinned, saying that he no longer added piercings or tattoos. Aileen pursed her lips slightly, then quietly asked,
"How… did you get better?"
"I whined."
Diego mimicked running on the table with two fingers.
"When things got tough, I ran to Rohan, Senon, or Michele and whined about when we were ever going to win. Then we'd all put our heads together and figure out how to win. I'd spout nonsense to His Grace the Grand Duke, saying I'd return my knighthood if we didn't win the next battle. And then His Grace would always bring us victory."
Saying that he had gotten better since then, Diego turned the fingers that had been running on the table toward Aileen. Then he tapped the glass she was holding.
"When I was young, I thought I was the best in the world, but there are many things I can't do alone."
Aileen looked at his finger touching her glass. Her lips trembled slightly.
"Sir Diego."
"Yes, Miss."
“…I want to change too.”
She couldn't become like Ornella. That was impossible from the start. She and Ornella were different from birth. No matter how much Aileen changed, she couldn't change her parents.
But she wanted to try as much as she could. She had to become someone who wouldn't be ashamed to stand beside Cesare. She didn't want to be a blemish on him.
"Actually… I want to be pretty…"
She revealed her shameful desire to Diego. The kind Diego didn't laugh at Aileen's desire. He offered sincere advice.
"How about getting your bangs trimmed, like they suggested at the dress shop?"
"Wouldn't my eyes look too hideous?"
"What?! Absolutely not. Both I and His Grace the Grand Duke adore your eyes, Miss."
Come to think of it, Cesare had once asked her to pull back her bangs in the garden because he wanted to see her eyes. He hadn't shown any disgust even when seeing her bare face.
"His Grace will be very pleased if you cut your bangs."
Diego's gentle encouragement gave her a little confidence. Even if she thought they looked hideous, she wanted to cut her bangs if Cesare liked them. However, there was still an obstacle.
"But I'm scared…"
When scissors came near her eyes, she had trouble breathing. Her body trembled violently, and her vision would go black. If Diego hadn't been there earlier, she might have fainted.
"Should I take a sleeping pill and cut them? There's a strong one in the lab."
Diego was horrified by Aileen's somewhat extreme suggestion. He hummed, crossed his arms, and pondered for a moment. Then he placed his hand on the table and said solemnly,
"Let's ask His Grace for help."
As Aileen approached the Grand Duke's Residence, she kept looking around nervously. She subtly tugged at Diego's sleeve and spoke to him.
"Are you sure it's okay? He must be very busy…"
She felt like she would be bothering him with something trivial. They were inefficiently handling something that could be resolved at the salon.
But unlike Aileen's mountain of worries, Diego was very confident.
"Trust me. He'll definitely see us."
He even boasted that he wouldn't just see them, but would be very happy to do so. She was even more anxious because he seemed too optimistic. Aileen groaned and fussed about whether they should turn back now, but Diego drove the military vehicle toward the Grand Duke's Residence.
The soldiers guarding the front gate stopped the military vehicle. When Diego lowered the driver's side window, they saluted sharply and opened the gate.
The military vehicle quickly crossed the garden and arrived at the mansion. As Diego escorted Aileen out of the car, the employees rushed out in a flurry at the unexpected visit.
"Where is His Grace?"
"In his study."
As soon as Diego heard Cesare's location, he strode forward without hesitation. Aileen hurriedly followed Diego and whispered,
"Are you really sure it's okay? What if he's working in his study?"
"Then he's working."
"What if he gets angry…?"
"His Grace would never get angry at you, Miss, even if the sky fell."
He told her to think about it, asking if he had ever been angry, and Aileen made a small sound of realization.
He hadn't. As she quickly thought back, he really hadn't been angry even once. All she remembered were the times she had been scared and trembled, fearing she would be scolded.
"Your Grace. It's Diego."
Aileen arrived at the study while she was reminiscing about the past. Diego casually knocked on the study door to announce their visit, then opened the door before permission was granted. He stepped aside so that Aileen could be seen clearly.
"And Miss Aileen is here with me."
Before she could prepare herself, Aileen was immediately face to face with Cesare. She stammered in embarrassment.
"Y-Your Grace, Grand Duke."
Cesare had been looking at documents on his desk. He looked at Aileen with obvious surprise.
At that moment, Aileen realized that she had never sought him out before he called for her.
But Aileen was in a position where she could only come when he called. If it hadn't been for Diego today, she wouldn't have even dared to think about visiting.
Cesare looked at Aileen in silence for a moment. Sitting at the desk made of ebony, he narrowed his eyes slightly and put down his pen.
He stood up from his seat and strode over to Aileen. As she tilted her head back to look up at him, Cesare cupped her chin with his hand. His red eyes scanned Aileen's face.
"Who's been bothering you?"
Her face flushed at his low voice. She hadn't said a word, but Cesare had read the anxiety and worry in Aileen. Aileen, with her face still held in his hand, replied softly, "No one."
"Then what's the problem? Didn't you like the wedding dress? Should I have a new one made?"
Aileen only rolled her eyes and looked at Diego with a pleading expression. But Diego made an X shape with his hands. It meant she had to say it herself.
Reluctantly, Aileen hesitantly opened her mouth.
"I want to… cut my bangs…"
"You want to?"
"I was wondering if Your Grace could help me… It's a very simple thing, and it would only take a moment of your time. Just about ten minutes."
After earnestly explaining that she wouldn't bother him too much, she carefully made her request.
"Could you stay with me while I get my hair cut?"
