45 - The Time of the Blind Beast (15+ Revised Edition)
Chapter 45
How could I explain this feeling?
It was a terrible experience.
Looking into his eyes, which she had harmed, she waited with bated breath, feeling as if she were being punished, for whatever Dr. Briman might say.
Even if she had experienced it before, she was not accustomed to it. Rather, as the days went by, her guilt only intensified.
While administering the antidote, which she had formulated by inferring the type of poison from his symptoms, Ezekiel endured, gripping her hand like a rope without a single groan. Even Dr. Briman marveled, saying his condition was stable thanks to her presence.
Rose alone remained frozen within it, like a stone statue. She trembled so much, and had so sternly admonished herself not to show it to the point he might notice, that she endured the entire examination in a daze. As soon as it ended, she rushed to the bathroom and retched.
Though she was exhausted and her body felt weak from the aftereffects, she had no time to rest.
Rose gazed blankly at the stationery, on which only the recipient's name was written at the top, and rubbed her sweaty palms on her skirt. It was a letter to be sent to Ezekiel's father via Merlo. Having gained a reprieve on his punishment, she was obligated to share news of Derosa with Claris.
Furthermore, she had to ask them to stall for time so that Ezekiel's position could be maintained for the time being, especially since the King's Army, having lost its commander, would surely be inquiring about his whereabouts at Valdemara.
She had to write in the neatest handwriting possible, suppressing all emotion and stating only objective facts. To do that, she needed to calm her agitated mind first. She breathed as calmly as she could.
"Rose."
However, any effort crumbled instantly before Ezekiel's voice.
Concealing her scattered thoughts, Rose turned to look at him.
Ezekiel had a cold compress placed on his eyes, as per Dr. Briman's post-treatment instructions. It was to reduce pain, fever, and swelling.
"You're too quiet. What are you doing?"
"A letter..."
Rose glanced sideways at the name Valdemara, which she had written with such care.
"I was writing a reply to the report."
"To Moncam?"
"Yes."
This much of a lie had become easy. She had told so many small lies to him that they no longer felt like lies.
"Right, about that reply."
"Do you have any new instructions?"
"I need to tell Moncam to postpone his visit to the mansion."
"Ah, really?"
It was unexpected good news. Rose's eyes widened, and then she let out a sigh of relief. She didn't know why Ezekiel had suddenly changed his mind, but just avoiding an encounter with Captain Moncam already lifted a great burden from her.
Before Rose could ask, Ezekiel explained the reason.
"They say Dabis is wary of us, so we need to show that the King's Army is still strong as soon as possible. Our priority is to muster the company and prepare for military training."
"Just a moment. I'll write it down."
Ezekiel listened to Rose's movements. The sound of the pen nib scratching against the paper was audible. It was a soft sound that soothed his mood.
Though he didn't elaborate, as Rose didn't ask further, that excuse wasn't the whole reason for refusing Moncam's visit.
He didn't want to send Rose out to another man.
While Dr. Briman was an elderly man, Moncam was young. Moreover, he was a capable adjutant whom Ezekiel had personally selected from his company to handle matters in his stead.
It wasn't that he didn't trust Rose or Moncam, but rather that he was bothered by others seeing and admiring Rose, whom he himself had never seen—not her face, nor her handwriting—before. He was the one who had gained her emotions, the one who shared the deepest connection with her, yet being blind, he had to rely on others' words to confirm things, which was agonizing. Sometimes, no, always, he wanted to know about Rose's excellent qualities and abilities before anyone else.
Even if it was a childish sentiment, his honest feelings were thus, and there was nothing he could do about it.
"Anyway, it's difficult to track that woman with the clues we currently have. Since the entire family has fled, they won't be staying comfortably at the school. In any case, I need to focus on my treatment for now. And after the treatment is finished, I plan to personally lead the search for her."
"Yes, I'll relay it exactly."
Rose wrote down his instructions calmly.
Ezekiel, having revealed half of his objective, carefully concealed the other half of his feelings for Rose within himself. It wasn't time to reveal them yet.
He would tell Rose with a laugh in the future, after regaining his sight, that he had felt this way.
"You might not have known, but I wasn't so composed when it came to you.
I've been waiting for the day I could look you in the face and speak so honestly.
Until then, you protected me, so from now on, I will protect you and repay you with my entire life.
I will love you not in darkness anymore, but in the light, a day I have always longed for."
He intended to propose to Rose, giving her a ring on her finger along with a confession he had long buried in his heart.
To do that, he had to regain his sight quickly.
Impatience was already setting in.
It was okay if it was more painful. It was okay if it took a long time. It was okay even if his vision didn't return perfectly. As long as he could see her face, even dimly.
Ezekiel gently pressed the throbbing skin around his eyes with the back of his hand.
Dr. Briman visited the mansion twice a week. Madam Serva offered to let Dr. Briman use a guest room in the mansion so he could attend to Ezekiel exclusively during his treatment, but Dr. Briman declined, citing that he had several other patients to care for besides Ezekiel. Thus, Rose's role became even more significant.
After Dr. Briman finished his examination and left, everything that followed was Rose's responsibility. She carefully observed for any unusual symptoms and nursed Ezekiel, attending to his discomfort and pain even when he didn't show it. It also became her task to study the medical books Dr. Briman had brought, comparing various symptoms related to poisoning. In between, she also drafted letters to Claris's Valdemara. Merlo took her letters and departed for Claris after confirming Ezekiel's condition, which was to be reported in a summary.
"How is Lord Ezekiel?"
"He has just begun the detoxification process, so we don't know the exact results yet. But he is receiving treatment well."
"Everyone, including the butler, has been tense and holding their breath for the past few days. In any case, you're no ordinary person, Miss."
Rose changed the subject instead of reacting.
"...I wrote it in the letter, but please convey to His Excellency that his officer position must be maintained. There's a reason his company is known as the representative King's Army of the 37th Regiment. It's a position that upholds Valdemara's prestige, so it must be protected for its symbolic value."
"Goodness, my ears are bleeding. Alright, stop talking. It seems you're more worried about losing his position than Lord Ezekiel is. His Excellency will also try his best to protect Lord Ezekiel for now because of your vouching, so that part should be fine. Oh, and if you need anything, let me know. After all, even if Valdemara doesn't acknowledge your existence, they should offer some compensation for your efforts and sacrifices so far."
Rose did not reply. She had never considered material compensation. She hadn't appeared in the first place expecting such things.
What she desired, no one could give her. Ezekiel, the only one capable of giving it... probably wouldn't.
Because he would not forgive her deception.
Despite her unanswered heart, the day flowed steadily in a consistent direction.
At Derosa's secluded mansion, she saw Merlo off and welcomed Dr. Briman. The doctor, who visited the mansion early in the morning, examined Ezekiel in the drawing-room, which was being used as a treatment room. Ezekiel entered, accompanied by Rose.
It was, as always, a confrontation with the past.
Too many people's faults were involved in harming one person. Her parents, who couldn't let go of their excessive ambition to educate their daughter, and Achenaus, who had forced the poison into her hands by holding a hostage, would all be unable to escape responsibility.
However, no matter who she thought of, his downfall was ultimately his own greatest fault.
After all, he was the one who had ultimately carried it out.
He had no right to blame others. He resented the person he had been that day.
He hated 'Rose' too much.
