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Translator: Vine
Chapter: 44
Chapter Title: I Don't Want to Live Like You
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“…You want to protect him?”
Helena asked, her voice like a sigh.
“Yes. I want to protect him.”
“Not that you like him, not that you love him, but that you want to protect him?”
Helena finally turned her head away. It seemed my words didn't sound very serious to her. But she didn't seem to think I was lying, either.
And for good reason—my desire to protect him was sincere.
*‘Don’t jump. I won’t follow you.’*
Ever since he said that to me.
No, perhaps even before that.
*‘Next time you feel like a man is about to use violence against you, don’t close your eyes. Dodge with all your might and formally protest.’*
Ever since I heard those words.
I had wanted to protect him.
Not the body of that man, who was so much larger than me, but the goodness that resided within him.
Do people like that really need to see the other side of this world, to fall into a swamp and flounder? People like us were enough to witness such things.
My sincerity must have reached my mother. Otherwise—
“You must not know what you're talking about. Even people who are truly in love struggle to have a proper married life. That's what marriage is. It's reality! But you want to protect him? How can you get married with a feeling like that!”
There was no way my mother would get that angry.
I calmly watched my mother's eyebrows tremble.
“Besides, what's there to protect? Eric Orleans is about twice your size! You hate strong, big men! Your ideal type is a delicate, deer-like man!”
And when the trembling that began in her eyebrows spread to her voice, and finally to her lips, causing them to quiver, I spoke. I couldn't just watch any longer.
“You don't know what it's like to truly like and love someone, or what it's like to have a proper married life, either, Mom.”
“What?”
My mother's expression hardened. Her lips parted as if to say something more.
But my mother, Helena, couldn't say a word.
It was enough to stop my angry mother in her tracks. Yes, what I had just said was too harsh. I knew that.
Knowing this, I pushed even harder, so as not to lose my momentum.
“You've never liked, loved, or married someone and lived a normal life!”
As I said it, I looked into my mother's eyes.
Eyes that seemed lost. The kind of eyes you would only see when someone is criticized by the person they trusted most.
The moment I saw those eyes, I grew afraid. So I clenched my fists tighter.
“How would I know something you don't? I had nothing to watch and learn from, so how would I know?”
“That's…”
My mother just gaped, her face bewildered. I knew the words that would shut her mouth completely.
And that's why I was afraid. Afraid that the words, once spoken, would take on a life of their own. Afraid that the soul of those words would ask me:
*‘Don’t you really think that way?’*
“…I don't want to live like you, Mom.”
But in the end, I said it.
And I had to watch.
As my mother, hearing my words, sank as if a heavy stone were tied to her.
Her eyes wide, my mother took a step back from me. Watching her, a mix of sadness, pity, and… relief surged within me.
Yes. The truth was, I did think that way.
That I didn't want to live like my mother.
I love my mother, but I am a different person. A different person with different desires, living a different life.
I don't want to live like my mother.
“Even if… he has other intentions, and I have other intentions, it doesn't matter. In any case, I'm going to protect him. We will. I don't know what love is, or what it means to like someone, but…”
I felt tears begin to fall.
“…I'm going to start from there.”
Seeing me cry, my mother spoke urgently.
“The nobles… and he's a duke's son… They won't even treat us like people… Right now, he's just caught up in his own emotions…”
My mother paused between words, as if out of breath. Then she stopped altogether, caught her breath, and spoke again.
“What about Eric Orleans? Does Eric Orleans like you? Did he say he would protect you in this ridiculous situation?”
Eric Orleans?
I hesitated for a moment.
I knew nothing about that man's heart.
As I hesitated, my mother pressed me, as if to say, ‘See?’
“See? Men are all like that. They can't even take responsibility…”
Ah, this won't do. If this continued, my mother wouldn't give up on trying to get me out of here. The Helena I knew was that kind of person.
“The pearl hairpin…”
“What?”
I wiped the tears from my cheeks and looked straight at my mother.
I couldn't back down.
My mother was underestimating the Duke, and he surely held more than one or two of her weaknesses.
“You dropped it, didn't you? I've wanted to ask. Always… for the past ten years…”
“What are you…”
“Did you set the fire, Mom?”
Helena's face went pale. I didn't stop, asking again.
“I'm asking if you did it…”
Mom…
Mom…
Lord Violode…
While I hesitated, unable to finish my sentence, Helena let out a hollow laugh. Then she gripped my shoulders tightly. A glint appeared in her eyes.
“You want to ask if I killed him, don't you? That's what you've wanted to ask all this time, isn't it? If I set that fire, if I did something to keep Violode from getting out… that's what you wanted to ask… right? Why can't you say it?”
On the contrary, I was so overwhelmed by Helena's intensity that I couldn't say a word.
My mother squeezed my shoulders with enough force to cause a dull ache.
“…”
Then she slowly released her grip.
Helena let go of my shoulders completely and stepped back.
She swept back her silky red hair and spoke bitterly.
“Does this mean you regret following me back then?”
“That's…”
*That's not it. I've never once regretted that.*
For some reason, the words wouldn't come out, lingering only in my mouth.
“…I killed your father.”
“...!”
Really…?
Did Mom really do it?
My eyes widened. But Helena spoke as if it were nothing, almost as if she were relieved.
“There. Now you really regret it, don't you? The time you spent thinking of a murderer as your family. Now you can just blame me. But…”
Helena gave a faint smile. Her red hair fluttered in a gentle breeze that came from somewhere.
“Don't ruin your life just because you resent me. Take a good look at what kind of person Eric is, Imeline.”
Helena turned around.
I watched my mother's retreating back, then slowly sank to the ground.
Like an old building collapsing.
The old times collapsed.
*‘What are you doing! Get out! I said, get out! You have to save Philip first! I’ll finish up here and follow!’*
That voice echoed in my ears.
Just as my mother could always tell when I was lying, I could do the same.
Her words, that she had killed my father, were a lie. My mother hadn't ‘finished up’ anything.
That means…
*'I did it.'*
Because I… stabbed Lord Violode, he couldn't get out of the fire.
I really… my father…
“Damn it…”
I collapsed onto the dirt ground.
My chances of living a good life were ruined.
They had been ruined for a long time.
“I killed Lord Violode…”
✵ ✵ ✵
Leaving the garden, Helena walked without delay toward the passage leading to the back door of the princess's palace. From the passage, she heard the voices of servants.
“So, you're saying the door to the west tower was broken?”
“Newlyweds are something else, aren't they?”
“But why on earth did the princess permit Young Lord Eric's marriage? I thought the princess and Young Lord Eric…”
Just as Helena was thinking she should hide, someone had already pulled her into a corner.
While Helena held her breath, trying to make out the face of the person hidden in the darkness, the servants passed by without seeing her and went up the stairs.
After confirming they were completely gone, Helena pushed away the person who had helped her.
Eric Orleans.
To think she'd received help from this damn man!
“You were eavesdropping, weren't you?”
At Helena's sharp tone, Eric stepped back.
“I'm sorry.”
Helena's face crumpled.
She had just thrown the question out there, but Eric immediately understood what she was accusing him of eavesdropping on.
So, the presence she had sensed moving in the garden earlier had been Eric.
In that case, Eric knew everything—that Helena had tried to threaten him, that she had tried to extort money from him.
But he's sorry for eavesdropping? Is this really the time for an apology?
Helena glared at Eric.
“If you heard everything, then just give me the money. To us, it's practically our lives' worth, but to you and your father, it's not that much.”
Eric gazed steadily at Helena's brown eyes, which shone in the darkness.
They were so similar. Not just the color of Imeline's eyes, but the texture of the emotions held within them.
And also, their way of solving problems by starting with a threat.
“Honestly, we don't care if your father gets punished or whatever… That's your family's problem, so you can deal with it yourself. Understand? I need to leave this crazy family with my daughter.”
“Why is your bond so strong?”
At Eric's sudden question, Helena stared at him, dumbfounded.
“What are you talking about?”
“The three of you. I'm asking why you're so close.”
“Isn't that obvious? We're family…?”
The look in Eric's eyes turned cold.
She was right.
Because they were family.
*‘Don't ruin your life just because you resent me. Take a good look at what kind of person Eric is, Imeline.’*
Eric recalled Helena, who had burst into tears the moment she turned away after saying those words in the garden.
The three of them were a family.
It didn't matter that they weren't related by blood, or that they went around doing all sorts of bad things.
There was no way Helena had abused or used Imeline.
Because they were family.
Eric only understood after seeing her face, her eyes. It was surprising that he was only realizing it now.
“The money… I'll lend it to you.”
Helena scowled.
“What are you talking about? I said to just give it to me.”
Ah, they really were a family.
