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Translator: Vine
Chapter: 21
Chapter Title: I Knew It Would Turn Out Like This If I Got Close
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I knew it would happen if I got too close.
It was a future set in stone.
Loneliness.
I knew that hardship better than anyone, yet I still made a mistake.
It was my fault.
Just because I wanted a little happiness for myself.
I dragged that child, bright as sunlight, into the mire.
All my deliberate cruelty toward Espin had been for nothing.
Even as everyone ignored her, Espin failed to read the room and just smiled to herself.
Her innocence turned my stomach.
"What's so funny?"
A sharp edge crept into my voice without me realizing.
Espin froze, her eyes widening in surprise.
The face that was always beaming stiffened the moment she spotted me.
"Ah, hello. Have you been well?"
It was the exact same greeting as always.
But somehow, it felt distant.
That was what I'd wanted.
That was how it had to be from now on.
Yet my gut kept churning.
When I sat at the same table, Espin flinched and pulled back.
I knew she was glancing at me cautiously, but the seating had been arranged by Imperial Consort Isabel, so she couldn't move.
Any odd behavior would alert the consort's sharp senses.
Throughout the tea party, I stared only at the flowers on the table.
I forced my gaze there, avoiding Espin, to keep from drawing attention.
If she saw me paying her any mind, the consort would torment Espin even more.
"By the way, I heard there was a commotion at Crown Prince Luciano's palace not long ago. Did something happen between the two of you?"
Even though I'd deliberately ignored Espin, Imperial Consort Isabel dragged her into the mud anyway.
Espin has nothing to do with me.
Don't touch her.
I had to swallow the urge to shout it.
"For instance, if someone was bullying Espin or forcing her to do something."
It hit me late that the consort was proposing a deal to Espin.
My heart pounded.
If what she wanted was a 'lie,'
Espin—with her upright and honest nature—would have rejected it without hesitation.
But bullying Espin had been 'real.'
I'd let her keep stuffing herself until she collapsed.
I'd forced her, so it was undeniably bullying.
That meant whatever Espin said to please the consort wouldn't be a lie.
Reason and emotion clashed fiercely inside me.
Seize the chance.
'Take it and get yourself out of this swamp, at least.'
Even as I thought of Espin's well-being.
'I hope you don't.'
A selfish thought crossed my mind.
'No, just close your eyes and give the consort what she wants.'
That's the path to keeping your peaceful life.
I knew I had to let her go.
'Don't fall for the consort's temptation, please.'
But I wanted to hold on.
Conflicting emotions surged back and forth without respite.
I thought she should obey the consort for her own sake, but I hoped she wouldn't.
Amid all this, I hated myself for the selfish thoughts.
It wasn't worry over my reputation hitting rock bottom, as the consort intended.
I didn't fear rumors of my bad character.
Espin abandoning me? That was fine.
I'd been cruel, so she had every right to.
But I didn't want her siding with the consort.
I didn't want her becoming my enemy.
Espin, who had given me a clear, gentle look, finally spoke calmly.
"Yes, I've been getting bullied."
"!"
My heart nearly stopped.
'So that's your choice...'
I thought it was the right one, but it still tore me apart inside.
All I could do was suppress the impulse to bolt from the room.
I'm sorry for not saying a kind word in a whole year.
I'm sorry for not being gentler.
I'm sorry for giving you bad memories.
It was all my fault.
I swallowed my unspoken apologies and burned Espin's image into my eyes one last time.
"Betty bullied me."
But the person Espin pointed to wasn't me—it was someone else.
She jabbed a finger at the girl who'd ignored her earlier, shooting the consort a look that demanded she be scolded.
Naturally, Imperial Consort Isabel was taken aback.
It was so unexpected.
And Espin was so bold.
I nearly burst out laughing.
It was a brilliant move beyond anyone's expectations.
Just like last year, Espin was especially tough on the consort.
'So, what now? No matter how you look at it, Espin isn't giving you the answer you want.'
As if reading my mind, the consort didn't give up and coaxed Espin.
She tried leading her this way and that, but Espin deftly dodged every trap.
"Espin, think carefully. I'll help you, so don't hold back. How did you end up collapsing?"
In the end, the consort brought up the day Espin had collapsed and been carried out.
I watched Espin tensely.
"You must have misunderstood, Your Highness. No one was bullying me—I just got greedy with the food."
Espin claimed it was all her own fault.
'I wouldn't have blamed her if she resented me...'
But there wasn't a hint of it.
I was grateful, and sorry.
Realizing she couldn't get what she wanted from Espin, the consort turned cold and ignored her.
For the rest of the time, she treated Espin like she wasn't there, leaving her sitting alone.
Did she still not grasp what had happened to her?
Was she really okay?
I wanted to say something, but I couldn't risk causing trouble.
I don't know how I got through the time, worrying.
At some point, the consort announced the tea party's end and left.
Espin stood with a relieved expression.
Before leaving, she hesitated and offered a greeting.
"I'll head out first. It was nice seeing you again. I wish glory upon Your Highness's future."
It felt like a farewell.
Like she was drawing a line between us.
But I didn't want today to be the last.
I'd make sure it wasn't.
* * *
After the tea party, I didn't hear from Espin.
I'd expected as much, but her cutting ties so cleanly showed she was more resolute than I'd thought.
I decided to be more careful from now on and sent her my first letter.
Had I written it too curtly, like I usually treated her?
[Crown Prince Luciano,
Thank you so much for the invitation.
But due to my circumstances, I can't visit tomorrow.
If it's urgent, please send it by letter, and I'll reply.
From Espin Samuel.]
Her polite refusal arrived.
It shocked me more than I'd anticipated.
I'd unconsciously assumed she wouldn't refuse.
A vague sense of injustice, despair, and betrayal all mixed together.
But soon I realized this was how Espin must have felt every time.
I reflected on my lack of consideration, how it had slowly wounded her, and sent a second invitation.
I'd braced for more rejections, but she accepted the second one.
She showed up, though, with a slightly sullen expression unlike before.
I had her sit and prepared what I'd planned.
When I poured and handed her tea, she stared blankly.
"Don't just stare—drink it."
Even when I directly told her to drink the tea I'd given her—a surprise in itself—she was stunned.
It was a big step for me.
Sharing food or drink with someone was rare after so long.
Even now, pretending to be calm, my heart was racing.
Still, I felt she deserved something to eat.
For her efforts and hardships, I had to take a step forward.
When I urged her once more, she finally drank the tea.
"!"
She looked subtly shocked, then glared at me.
I waited for what she'd say, but she stayed silent.
This meeting made me realize how much she'd changed.
She didn't start the conversation like before, or smile at me.
I needed to apologize, but her indifferent attitude strangely choked my words.
I couldn't speak, terrified she'd say it was truly over.
Espin drank her tea in silence, and the moment she finished, she said she had to go.
Desperate at her complete lack of attachment, I grabbed at her.
"When will you come again?"
"Why?"
I hadn't expected her to respond like that, so I couldn't answer.
"You're not the type who wants to see me again anyway."
I couldn't tell her it wasn't because my mistakes were too big.
"Then why ask about next time? If you have business, just say it now."
Her drawing a line—no more meetings without reason—stung.
I wanted to demand how she could change so fast.
But ultimately, it was my fault.
I'd hurt her first.
I'd been indifferent first.
I'd drawn the line first, telling her not to come without reason.
To meet Espin again, I needed an excuse.
"It's... my responsibility."
It wasn't just duty holding me.
I'd made one up because she wanted a reason.
Of course, I was truly sorry for leaving her isolated.
"Did I really not know? What happened to you?"
But Espin seemed utterly fine.
Her face was clear, like nothing had happened.
It deflated me completely—I'd worried she'd dwell on the loneliness.
"I don't know what you're worried about, but I'm okay. You don't need to feel responsible for me."
She even comforted me.
That was so like her—foolishly, hopelessly kind.
But the touching moment was brief.
When she cheerfully said she was done and to send her home, emotion surged unexpectedly.
Not long ago, she'd been desperate to see me.
Turning away was like a knife.
When I asked why, she said she'd wanted to get close back then.
"So not anymore?"
"Yes. I tried hard for a year too. One-sided effort gets tiring."
I'd soaked up her warmth for a year, but she said no more.
As if the past year meant nothing.
To me, it had been warmth, a breath of fresh air.
Everything.
End that comfort after just a year?
"No, you're wrong."
I couldn't let it.
If so, Espin never should have approached me.
Never spoken so friendly, never smiled so kindly.
She should have left me to think being alone was fine.
Become strangers now?
I'd come to hate solitude, to enjoy our time together.
That warmth wouldn't be enough for a lifetime, let alone a year.
Yes, I couldn't end it like this.
And I shouldn't.
There was so much I hadn't done for Espin.
A proper apology.
Compensation for what she'd lost because of me.
Nothing.
I needed time to make it up.
As much as I'd received,
"One year isn't enough. Try harder. See you the day after tomorrow at 2."
Now it was my turn to give.
