Chapter 38
38
The Time I Loved You
Sometimes, an accurate prediction can bring displeasure. This morning, as Mathias gazed down at the rose garden empty of Leila Llewellyn, he suddenly realized it.
After going through something like that, she probably wouldn’t show her face for a while. Last night, while listening to Hessen’s report in the study, Mathias had already anticipated as much. But seeing her absence confirmed with his own two eyes brought him a slight sense of bewilderment as well.
What a hopeless idiot.
With a chuckle, Mathias drew the thin curtain and turned away.
The theft had merely been bait—Linda Etman’s real aim was to tear apart Leila Llewellyn’s heart and shatter her pride. If she couldn’t stop her son, then she’d make Leila give him up. It was a fairly solid strategy, and Mathias could gladly applaud it. She’d accurately read her opponent and struck a vital point; it might even yield considerable results.
The scheme Mrs. Etman had set in motion brought far more amusement than Mathias had expected. In fact, he’d laughed several times while listening to Hessen’s report.
The leisurely weekend morning felt unusually long and languid.
After changing clothes, Mathias sipped his coffee and looked out the window once more. Bill Leamer and the workers were busily at their tasks, but Leila was still nowhere to be seen.
Had she dared to covet someone beyond her station without even this much resolve?
With the desire to mock that pathetic girl to her heart’s content, Mathias set out for a light morning stroll. The servants, well aware of his habit of stopping by the annex to swim when he had time, tactfully made themselves scarce.
He hoped Leila was crying. So that he could enjoy himself today, too.
Muttering that wish to himself, Mathias soon arrived at the gardener’s cottage. The house was unnaturally quiet without Leila, who would usually be sitting on the porch reading a book or bustling about the yard with this and that.
Just as Mathias began to feel a twinge of irritation, a pure white pigeon fluttered in. As if it had a clear destination, the bird flew straight toward the window at the back of the cottage without hesitation.
On impulse, Mathias walked toward where the bird had gone. The pigeon was perched obediently on the half-open window. He realized almost simultaneously that a letter was tied to its leg—and that this was Leila’s room.
Even as Mathias approached, the pigeon didn’t fly away.
A messenger pigeon?
Narrowing his eyes, Mathias quietly caught the bird. It remained docile even in his hand. As he stared at the letter it had brought, a sob from beyond the window made him snap his head up.
Leila was in the room he’d thought was empty. Lying on the bed as if dead, weeping pitifully.
Leila lay there staring at the ceiling for a long while even after opening her eyes. Bright light filled the room. The songs of the birds in the tree by the window were as clear as the summer morning sunlight.
As her hazy senses gradually sharpened one by one, the reality she’d forgotten in her fever returned as well.
But it was strange, really.
The clearer reality became, the calmer Leila’s heart grew. All those emotions that had risen to her chin, making even breathing difficult, seemed to melt away with the cold sweat she’d groaned through and the tears that had spilled out unbidden.
Two days? No, three?
Counting the time she’d spent lying there, Leila slowly pushed herself up to sit. She felt a brief wave of dizziness, but it soon passed.
She needed to wash the sheets. Wipe down the window frame that had gathered dust in the meantime, polish the dishes Uncle Bill had rinsed haphazardly, leaving stains behind, and…
As she thought of all the tasks ahead, Leila suddenly felt lost and closed her eyes. When she opened them again, she calmly accepted the one thing that took priority over all else.
She had to meet Kyle.
“You shouldn’t be wandering around like this already, Leila. You need to rest!”
Spotting Leila by the stream, Kyle quickened his steps. Leila, who had been gazing at his reflection on the water’s surface, slowly lifted her head to meet his eyes. The traces of her severe illness were still vividly etched on her face.
“Why did you come all the way out here? I could have come to the house.”
Kyle hurried to her side. Leila was sitting on a broad, flat rock by the stream, her arms wrapped around her knees. The strands of her fine blonde hair cascading over her slender shoulders looked just like part of the afternoon sunlight.
“I have something to say to you.”
Instead of her usual bright smile, Leila simply gazed at him steadily.
“What big thing do you have to say?”
Kyle smiled in her place. Leila, who should have smiled back as always, only stared at him with an expressionless face. Shaking off his growing unease, Kyle flashed an even brighter smile.
“It’s nice to meet like this alone sometimes, but you’re still sick. That’s what I’m worried about, right?”
“Kyle.”
“I had something to say to you anyway. Perfect timing. We can talk here.”
“Kyle.”
“The stolen tuition money? Don’t worry about it anymore, Leila. My father’s going to Ratz tomorrow. Your tuition too…”
“Kyle, I’m not going to university.”
Leila’s voice was soft but firm as it cut him off.
“…What?”
Kyle, who had been sitting beside her gazing at the stream, turned to look at her. Their eyes, each holding the other’s reflection, were deeper and more still than ever.
“I’m not going to university.”
“What are you talking about? You passed that tough exam! Don’t worry about tuition, Leila. Please, don’t be so stubborn…”
“I’m not going to marry you, either.”
Leila released her knees and pulled her slipping shawl back into place.
“I’m going to stay here with Uncle Bill and live the life I’ve decided on for myself. I’m sorry, Kyle. I should have done this from the beginning, but I… I got blinded by greed for a moment.”
“Greed?”
“Yeah. Even if I pretended otherwise, I guess I really wanted to go to university and study. So I thought maybe I could, and that’s why I agreed to marry you. To use you.”
“You think I’d believe that lie?”
Kyle let out a cold, hollow laugh, but Leila didn’t waver.
It would be nice if it were a complete lie.
A bitter smile tugged at Leila’s trembling lips.
She’d thought it might be pity or sympathy for a while, but Leila soon realized the truth. To Kyle, Leila Llewellyn was a lover.
He’d proposed out of a lover’s heart, but she’d accepted as a friend.
To say there was no greed behind it would be a lie. That fact made Leila feel even more wretched.
“Leila, of all people—you’re not the type to do that.”
As Kyle shot to his feet, his long shadow fell over her.
“You love me. You don’t think I’m some fool who wouldn’t know that?”
“I do love you.”
Leila didn’t deny it.
Did she love Kyle?
She could nod to that question a thousand times over. A thousand times, no matter how many times he asked.
“As a best friend, as a big brother, sometimes as a little sister. That’s how I love you, Kyle.”
Even facing Kyle’s hardening expression, Leila didn’t falter. She couldn’t.
“But that’s not the kind of love you want, Kyle. I… I don’t think I can ever love you that way. I can’t marry you with feelings like these.”
“…I don’t care.”
Kyle swallowed dryly, his throat bobbing slowly.
“Any kind of love—as long as it’s love, I don’t care. Even if it’s not the love I want, it’s fine, Leila.”
“No. I don’t want that.”
Leila slowly rose to her feet as well. A breeze from the forest whispered between the two of them facing each other. Gazing at the rippling water and shimmering scales, Leila steadied her breath.
This stream in the woods, not far from the cottage, had been the playground of young Kyle and Leila. Even Leila, who feared deep water, could wade in up to her knees here, so they preferred it over the Schulter River.
Leila would sit on a rock in the tree’s shade reading a book while Kyle splashed around the stream catching crayfish or small fish. He’d pick up pretty freshwater mussels or smooth pebbles she liked and bring them to her. They laughed often. It was always fun. Warm.
The time I loved you was like that. So many dazzling memories brighter than those water scales, and that love remains unchanged, will stay that way forever, yet still, I have to let you go.
Leila bowed her head to hide her reddening eyes.
“I can’t do it. I want to stop. I’m sorry, Kyle. I should have answered like this from the start.”
“If that’s all it is, then don’t say it even more. The world’s full of people who marry without love. Anyway, you love me. That’s enough.”
Kyle stepped forward and gripped her shoulders.
“Use me? Fine. Use me. I don’t care about that.”
“Don’t do this.”
“You’re the one it’s okay with. I like it that way. Use me as much as you want if I can help.”
“Kyle!”
“As long as it’s not the horrific idea of you leaving me, anything’s fine.”
Kyle’s eyes reddened. To steady her weakening resolve, Leila clenched her fists tight.
“I hate it. I don’t want to do that.”
“You really want to go to university, don’t you? If you’re desperate enough to use me, then you shouldn’t let go even more.”
“I want to marry someone I love as a man, as a lover, Kyle. Thinking of going to Ratz married to you has made that feeling even clearer.”
Leila finally uttered the cruelest words she hadn’t wanted to say. The eyes Kyle fixed on her grew profoundly deep.
“I want to live without shame marrying someone like that. That desire outweighs even my wish to use you to go to university.”
“Leila.”
“I thought about pretending not to know until the end and using you anyway, but then I’d be ashamed of this choice forever. I’d regret it. I don’t want to live like that.”
“Leila Llewellyn!”
“If I made that choice, it would taint even the time and feelings I loved you as a friend, as family. That’s what I hate and fear most.”
Leila’s voice trembled faintly with sincerity.
She’d thought it was time to grow up, but she was making the most childish choice. The marriage she’d resolved on, buoyed by dreams of going to university together because she didn’t want to lose Kyle, now filled Leila with true shame and guilt.
Mrs. Etman had been right. The moment she’d endured such a thing, her relationship with Kyle had already crossed an irreversible line.
Leila didn’t have the strength to bear Mrs. Etman, who hated her enough to make such a resolve. She couldn’t reveal it all and take away the image of the mother Kyle loved. She couldn’t hurt Uncle Bill.
Now nothing could be undone, and revealing the truth would only tear everyone’s hearts. After shedding so many tears it felt like her body had dried up, that was the honest truth Leila faced.
So she had to turn away. Quietly, right here.
That was the only way to protect her last shred of pride, Kyle’s family, and Uncle Bill’s heart.
“Let me keep that time, Kyle.”
Leila met his eyes and continued softly.
“Let’s do that, us.”
Like that, let’s let go of those sparkling, precious days and become adults now.
Instead of the words she wanted to say, Leila let out a quiet sigh. Her breath, still faintly warm, slipped between her dry lips. Don’t cry. The spell she’d chanted to herself with every step on the way here seemed to work—thankfully, no tears fell.
“Don’t go.”
Kyle, standing dazed, suddenly grabbed Leila’s wrist as she passed. His large, hot hand was trembling.
Leila, who had closed her eyes tightly, opened them and pushed his hand away without a word. His fierce grip, which had made her wrist throb, fell away easily as if it had been nothing.
Leaving Kyle standing there staring blankly at the stream, Leila walked away with steady, weightless steps.
Though her eyes burned red, Leila didn’t cry until the moment she reached the cottage.
