Previously
Eleanora accepts Killian's confession and realizes his condition makes his potential marriage to Vivian impossible. Owen and Emily express their deep gratitude to Eleanora, revealing they named their son Elliot after her former military alias.
Killian squeezed his eyes shut, then went on.
That meant he suffered even from catching the faint scent of a woman’s perfume from afar, or merely seeing a dress trimmed with lace.
( ‘Good heavens.’ )
Eleanora sighed inwardly. She had never imagined it was this severe.
Sometimes children feared scarecrows; they grew upset upon seeing one and stayed in a foul mood for a while.
She had assumed Killian’s fear of women was something like that.
It was nothing of the sort. The mere sight of them was agonizing to him, as though a scarecrow were tightening around his throat.
And if even objects associated with women caused him pain, he must have spent his entire life in a state of constant tension.
‘Wait… did he say it started before he entered the military academy? That means he’s been suffering from it since early childhood.’
It was astonishing that he had endured it all these years.
More astonishing still was that no one had ever found out. How had he managed to hide it this whole time?
Killian asked, noticing the strange expression on Eleanora’s face as she lost herself in thought.
Remembering how abrasive Killian had been with her, with Julian, and even with the entire Thorne household, Eleanora nodded as though she finally understood.
Back then, he had hardly looked like a man terrified of women.
He had merely seemed like the rudest person on earth.
Concealing his vulnerability by snapping at everyone around him… what a truly remarkable disguise.
Killian darted his eyes away.
Eleanora spoke with palpable disbelief.
And she was right. Even to himself, the present Killian felt like a total stranger.
Still, it couldn’t be helped.
When Eleanora grew flustered, Killian asked,
Eleanora hesitated once more. At that, the corner of Killian’s mouth nearly twitched upward in a faint smile.
The moment he realized it, a violent shiver ran through his body.
What on earth was making him smile all of a sudden?
He wiped the expression away at once, settling back into his usual, unsmiling face.
Eleanora nodded.
( ‘I used to think he was like a hedgehog bristling with quills… and it turns out I was entirely right.’ )
He had raised his quills because he was afraid. Because he hated it.
Because he wanted to tell the whole world: stay away from me.
Though the phrasing was somewhat blunt, Eleanora’s expression was that of a physician calmly examining a patient.
Eleanora asked simply, as if inquiring about a symptom of an illness.
Killian gasped in shock, his face flushing crimson, and stammered out,
Eleanora rested her hand against her chin, lost in thought. Killian hesitated briefly before speaking.
Last night, Killian had not slept a wink.
All night long, he had wondered, ‘Why don’t I feel suffocated when I speak with Eleanora, even though she’s a woman?’
( ‘And why do I find myself watching her back as she walks away?’ )
After long contemplation… this was the conclusion he had reached.
In other words, he had perceived a man within a woman.
Frankly, even he found it hard to believe his subconscious had equated the two without knowing the truth.
Yet…
Killian explained the conclusion he had arrived at. After Eleanora nodded, conceding it sounded possible, she asked cautiously,
Killian flinched in surprise and answered at once,
Then, terrified she might misunderstand him as his grandmother once had and assume he was impotent or something similar, he hastily added,
The culprit was painfully obvious.
( ‘That blabbermouth Julian must have told her. That wretched bastard…’ )
While Killian nursed his growing irritation toward Julian, Eleanora asked seriously,
Indeed, even if he had consulted the most famous psychiatric texts available, he likely would have found nothing but absurd nonsense about tampering with the brain or applying electric currents.
Killian answered dismissively. Eleanora, on the other hand, only grew more concerned.
From the way he spoke, it seemed he had grown so used to enduring that perseverance had become second nature to him. Even though merely having someone understand one’s pain could lighten part of the burden.
He had lived all alone, bearing a fear others could never comprehend. Constantly terrified his secret would be exposed. Baring his fangs at people just to keep them away…
( ‘How lonely and exhausted he must have been!’ )
Eleanora’s heart ached for him. And that ache spurred her to a decision.
Tightening her grip, she said,
Killian’s eyebrows shot up in surprise. Eleanora continued hesitantly,
Seeing his rigid face, she felt she had made the offer on an impulse.
Still… wasn’t this better than doing nothing?
If his condition improved even a little… if he could lead a more comfortable life than this… and perhaps even marry someday…
( ‘It would be good for Lord Blackwell, and for Julian as well.’ )
Killian was utterly bewildered.
( ‘Why now, of all times?’ )
He had simply wanted to go on living the way he always had, avoiding it and keeping his distance. Wasn’t that the safest choice?
He didn’t want Eleanora to become entangled with him and shoulder unnecessary hardships.
And yet… why had he ended up nodding his head in agreement?
Killian realized instantly that he had made a mistake.
His regret, however, lasted only a fleeting moment. The second he saw Eleanora’s radiant smile, all other thoughts vanished.
He had never believed he could change. But if this woman—who had saved and helped him time and again—was going to change him, and if he would feel more at ease because of this decision…
‘Then there’s no harm in going along with her this far, at least…’
Today was the day of their first session, the one where Eleanora and Killian had agreed to attempt treating his phobia.
For that reason, Eleanora decided she would be the one to step closer this time.
Killian fell into utter fluster.
“As close as you can bear, Lord Blackwell.”
Eleanora had no intention of backing down easily. Killian fidgeted in sheer agitation.
Just imagining Eleanora stepping closer to him sent his heart pounding violently, cold sweat drenching him!
( ‘All of this because I nodded without thinking!’ )