Translator: Nox

Chapter 48

Watching Pheon’s back as he reluctantly glanced over his shoulder before ultimately heading to his study after their meal alone together, Kaella thought it was strange.

She was the one left alone in the dining room, chewing on tough meat, not Beatrice—yet today, their positions had switched.

Before Beatrice had stirred things up, an atmosphere like this had been possible. But she knew this was as far as it would go. It wouldn’t be like this starting tomorrow.

It won’t be like this starting tomorrow.

Turning away, she prepared for the night. Lüsenford’s nights were long and deep. She had to quickly wash her body with warm water, wrap herself up before the cold stole away her warmth, and slip into the bed heated by the warming pan.

Well, who knows when I’d get to enjoy hot water and a warm bed like this again anyway.

The former head maid who had been banished, Doris Windgood, had either overheated the water excessively or assigned maids who made constant mistakes by leaving it lukewarm.

When Kaella scolded them because she was getting hurt or constantly catching colds, the maids would burst into tears, and the head maid painted the Duchess as a picky, wicked person.

Over time, that turned her into a woman who threw hysterics because she no longer received her husband’s love.

And those so-called “mistakes” weren’t limited to mismanaging the water temperature or forgetting the warming pan. In Lüsenford’s brutal cold, she withered away day by day like that. They had been horrific days.

“Good night, Your Grace.”

“Sleep well.”

In Lüsenford, survival was the biggest issue. Kaella no longer knew how to stay alive. She’d tried everything against those who hated her and failed at it all before dying. So she didn’t even have the energy to think about it anymore.

Maybe Beatrice Lavalle sweeping through Lüsenford is an opportunity. I should send Mari away first while everyone’s focused on her. Next week? Yeah. Next week sounds good.

She had to hurry.

Hurry up and die.

Vanish by dying.

Even if things had changed a little, there was no guarantee she’d survive. No, she was just sick and tired of trying to survive in this place at all.

And she didn’t have the strength for it anymore. Kaella closed her eyes and sank into the darkness. If only she could sink away and die like this.

Quietly.

“Where are you going?”

Painlessly.

“To my wife.”

Followed by the soft thud of the door closing, Kaella opened her eyes. The silhouette of the man who had shut the door and entered was revealed between the half-drawn curtains, illuminated by the white moonlight and the red glow of the fireplace.

Kaella stared blankly at the man. Had she already fallen asleep? Was she dreaming now?

His usually impeccably neat black hair was slightly disheveled, damp with moisture as it fell loose. He stood there with his shirt unbuttoned, even more disarming than on their wedding night.

But what was most bewildering was the voice she’d heard with her eyes closed. It had been languid and dangerously alluring, and the content was even more awkward.

“Did I wake you? Oh, I’m sorry, Duchess.”

But the moment their eyes met, his voice shifted abruptly. The haughty tone became flustered and polite, offering an apology first.

“Is someone outside?”

When Kaella asked quietly, Pheon tensed up without realizing it.

“Yes. Don’t worry about it and go back to sleep. I’ll leave soon.”

He had to sit quietly without disturbing her, stay far from the bed, and slip out once Beatrice left. He absolutely could not interrupt Kaella’s rest.

“Lady Lavalle?”

Unexpectedly, Kaella pinpointed it sharply. And in that moment, Pheon could already predict what would come out of her mouth if he answered.

You should go. Don’t worry about me. It’s fine. Go see her.

All words he desperately didn’t want to hear. Even knowing what it meant to send her husband to another woman at night, she’d say those awful things.

“Yes. She’s been persistently rude and extremely unpleasant. Now that I’ve come to you, Duchess, I wish she’d finally respect some boundaries.”

So he said it all the more firmly and decisively, leaving no room for doubt.

“You might find it uncomfortable, Duchess, but it seems I’ll have to stay here for a few hours. Don’t mind me and get some sleep.”

Since he spoke so strongly, Kaella couldn’t find an excuse to argue further. Not that she had anything to say anyway.

This was unmistakably Pheon’s bedroom, and who could stop the master of the bedroom from insisting on staying? Besides, what went on between Pheon and Beatrice was his business, not hers to interfere in. She was just an outsider.

So Kaella had no choice but to lie back down.

“Yes, good night, Your Grace.”

“Sleep well.”

In an instant, the bedroom felt filled with Pheon again. The presence of the massive man was that overwhelming.

He moved very quietly, but Kaella couldn’t detach her attention from him. As he shook out his hair with a towel, added more logs to the fireplace, and sat in a nearby chair, a heavy, musky scent trailed after him.

Kaella cracked open the eyes she’d closed. She could see Pheon’s profile as he sat facing the fireplace.

His face, where bright light and deep shadows danced together, was strong and beautiful. His unwavering eyes stared straight into the flames, but a fleeting expression of fatigue crossed his features.

“Your Grace.”

She called him in a small voice, almost a whisper, and he turned to her immediately. As if the tiredness had never been there, he smiled softly.

“Is there something you need?”

“Come up here and sleep. The bed’s big enough.”

Pheon froze solid in an instant.

“Don’t worry about me. Even at the edges, it’s plenty of space.”

“I can’t share a sick person’s bed.”

“There’s more than enough room for two. And ensuring Your Grace is comfortable is my duty.”

The new head maid was plotting to get rid of this ridiculously oversized bed of his, but for now, it served its purpose perfectly.

Even among the tall, burly Lüsenfordians, Pheon had a uniquely imposing build, and the bed had space left over after he used it comfortably—so Kaella’s words were reasonable.

But Pheon took them badly, especially the last part. Duty. He couldn’t help recalling his young wife from before the regression. From his current wife, he kept uncovering facts he hadn’t known.

Had Kaella spent their entire marriage just dutifully fulfilling her role as Duchess out of obligation? Had there been no affection for him at all?

What a crazy bastard.

How could there have been affection when he’d done such things from the start? Pheon despised himself for being shocked now, even as the shock tormented him.

It was a foolish contradiction. He knew he had to give up, yet he couldn’t—a lingering attachment he couldn’t abandon, a horrific desire that kept sprouting no matter how many times it was cut down.

“And as you can see, I’ve recovered a lot, Your Grace.”

Pheon watched silently as Kaella sat up in his bed.

He took in her moving lips, the strands of hair falling loose, the glimpse of her elegantly long neck and slender shoulders between them, the collarbone peeking through her muslin nightgown, and above all, her clear eyes. There was no suspicion in those limpid eyes, which left him hollow.

“Duchess. I’m grateful that you’re thinking of me.”

His violet eyes, flickering with shadows and firelight, filled completely with her.

“I’m grateful that you see me as a gentleman, but please don’t forget that sharing a bed with a man carries more meaning than that.”

At his pointed words, Kaella looked at him for a moment. Pheon braced for the silent condemnation and disgust that would surely pour out. That would be better, even.

Better to become some lifeless object to her for life than a lustful bastard with desire at least. He wanted to remain that way, somehow.

“I know what it means.”

A small voice murmured.

“We’re married.”

Something impossible in Pheon’s barren world happened.

“It doesn’t matter.”

Even in her flat tone, his heart stopped, then hot blood surged fiercely through his veins, pounding hard. He was truly a shameless man.

“That’s part of a wife’s duty too.”

In an instant, the black pupils in his violet irises contracted sharply.

“Duty.”

His low, thick voice approached her soft ear, grating against it and raising chills.

“You really love your duties, don’t you, Duchess.”

It was deep night now, a dangerous time when a lonely man’s desire overpowered reason. The man sitting on the sofa, leaning forward to look at her, was like a beast crouching low before the hunt, gathering strength to leap.

“You said last time that even if your husband brought home a bastard child, you’d do your utmost to raise it as heir as the Duchess. But what’s peculiar is—”

Kaella suddenly thought her arm hurt. The arm propping up her upper body was going numb. But she couldn’t move.

Any slight motion, and it felt like the massive man right in front of her would snatch her away—an absurd thought.

“You’ve never said you’d bear my heir, Duchess.”

He rose and approached. Even as her arm went from numb to stiffly aching, Kaella didn’t move.

“Isn’t continuing the line the greatest duty of all?”

It was hard to discern the emotion laced into his still-even tone. Before she could grasp it, Pheon wrapped his hand around her aching arm and easily sat her up straight. The pain vanished in an instant.

But he didn’t release the hand gripping her arm. His heavy, fresh scent filled her nose, his broad shoulders blocking her view. Kaella looked up to meet her husband’s gaze.

Surely he wouldn’t embrace her. No way. She was an ugly, stiff block of wood.

Right now, Pheon was just mocking and teasing her. That was fine by her too. She was the pathetic one dying to see even a contemptuous smile from him. Since everything ended in death anyway, nothing mattered.

“Why won’t you say that? Do you hate fulfilling that duty with me, Duchess?”

Their distance narrowed to where breaths mingled, but Kaella only leaned back ever so slightly—she neither dodged him nor showed surprise or fluster.

Her utterly expressionless, clear face had been slightly irritating before, but now it was starting to grate on his nerves more and more.

“It’s fine if you have a child with another woman, but not with me?”

Even after regressing, did he have no chance at all with her? He knew it was brazen to hope, but it would be a lie to say he wasn’t longing for the affectionate gaze she’d once given him before the regression.

But if even that was gone, didn’t that mean the affection he’d received back then was all his delusion?

If he’d received nothing from Kaella, if he didn’t even have memories to cling to and endure a lifetime with, then what was he supposed to do?

“Do you hate me that much?”

He asked miserably, pathetically.

“No. It doesn’t matter.”

And he got the answer that it would have been better if she’d said yes, she hated him.

“A wife has to fulfill her duties no matter who her husband is.”

A disbelieving laugh burst out, a pfft. His blood cooled, then surged back hot and fast.

“But are you really okay with that?”

“With what, Kaella? Me? Or you?”

“Both. Is it okay with you to do this with me?”

She was asking if he was okay with her, or if he was okay leaving the woman outside who’d surely be shocked beyond the door—both.

“You’re even worried about that?”

Pheon laughed hollowly. Then, with all mirth gone from his eyes, he stared straight at her. Before Kaella could sense the crisis and pull back this time, Pheon yanked the hand he’d been holding, drawing her closer.

“After smashing someone’s head in, now you tell them to back off?”

How could she say that. How brazen. How shamelessly he’d yearned.

“That’s not what I—”

“That’s how it sounds, Kaella. Way too shallow.”

Did that mean she really was okay with it? The heart—or desire—he’d thought long withered away from long illness now lifted its head inside Kaella too.

The man he’d tried to steal like a thief had come to her, even if it was out of duty. She shouldn’t take another woman’s man, but she wanted to throw away her conscience and hold on. Even now, she did.

“After hearing you say any other bastard would do but me, what’s the point?”

Kaella spotted golden flecks rising in the violet eyes staring at her as if to devour her. The golden shards gathered around the pupil gleamed beautifully, wildly. And the black pupil was strangely dilated, vertically…, elongated?

“I only need you, Kaella.”

With a rough voice that blocked all thoughts and sensations, a large hand covered her sky-blue eyes. Another hand slipped through her hair to wrap around the nape of her neck, pulling her in and erasing the last bit of space between them.

Snatching the opportunity he’d thought forever out of reach, the man devoured her greedily, desperately. He hugged the woman in his arms tightly, swallowing hard over and over, licking his lips.

Only you.

I’ve only ever wanted you.