32 - The Time of the Blind Beast (15+ Revised Edition)
Chapter 32
Judging by the argument over her treatment in front of Dr. Briman and her actions while confined with him in his bedroom, nursing him, she had a quiet but strong personality, not one to be shy. Yet, she didn't express much about her true feelings.
Madam Serva considered Rose, who was entangled with her through a special past connection, a windfall, like a pumpkin rolling in from the vines, appearing just when he needed someone, possessing the right refinement to be by his side, and having the virtue of discretion. But Ezekiel felt Rose revealed too little of her private sphere. If the mail hadn't arrived at the right time, and if he hadn't had the chance to read her letters for her, Rose would have kept her mouth shut and just been doing laundry in the laundry room until now.
He had many questions.
What kind of parents would make the difficult choice to send their child to a boarding school for girls so far away? Which subjects did she like best among those learned at school? What were her plans after graduating? Was her habit of always saying "It's fine" and her tolerance for pain, not showing it even when injured, something she was born with? Did she have no intention of appearing a little earlier? Around what age did she plan to get married?
If one were to be polite, these were the questions. But the true desire was more primal.
If she had liked him since Milena Girls' School, how far had she imagined? Did she know that every moment with her, because he couldn't see, was like the deep night to him? When they were intimate, and he couldn't distinguish if she was moaning from pain or pleasure, he had deliberately stimulated her deeply, observing her tightening response.
"Why no answer, Rose? It seems you don't need me much."
Her response was slow again. Sometimes she was silent and hesitant about peculiar things.
Only after hearing his urging did Rose open her mouth.
"...It's because you said something so obvious. I need you too, Major."
"Obvious?"
"Yes."
"I don't think so."
"Why?"
"Think about the sacrifices you've endured so far. Who between us is more desperate."
Ezekiel admitted this, mixing jest and sincerity by half. Rose had many places to be, not necessarily by his side. She would have finished her studies at school, and through the refinement and knowledge she diligently acquired, she would have lived well, making a name for herself as a governess for a prestigious family.
However, he, who was crippled, had only managed to recover after meeting Rose. Empowered by her devotion, he had quit drinking and opium, finding solace and rest. Moreover, these days, his desires were also being satisfied.
He certainly hadn't repaid her for what he had received.
"I wish I had met you properly before I lost my sight, but unfortunately, that didn't happen."
Ezekiel frankly faced his pathetic situation.
"I shouldn't have let my guard down after the war ended and I returned home, but as you can see, that failed too. So, I fled to this barren foreign land, only looking out for my own life. And honestly, my circumstances now are not as wealthy as when I lived as Valdemara of Claris."
"...Major?"
"And I killed a great many people in every battle. I was quite frightening to you too. Through the war, I've seen the harsh nature and cruel depths of humanity, and I myself am not entirely blameless. I am different from someone pure and good like you. As you've experienced, I am not the knight or gentleman you might have hoped for when you first saw me."
These were not words one would expect from a man born and raised in Valdemara, full of pride, and returning as a war hero with high honor. Furthermore, she didn't deserve the assessment of being pure and good from Ezekiel.
She didn't know why he was suddenly saying this, nor could she think of an appropriate response. Rose simply closed her mouth and listened to his confession.
"Still, I will promise you this one thing clearly. For someone who is supposed to be Valdemara, I am not very wealthy now, and I know I might seem unstable because I'm estranged from my family. Nevertheless, to protect you, I will use every method and ability I possess."
Rose involuntarily shook her head. She was here to atone. She was the woman who had ruined his life to this point, so for him to protect such a woman was too cruel a fate.
Sensing her headshake through their touching cheeks, Ezekiel raised an eyebrow askew.
"What does this mean? Rose, you don't trust me?"
"No, I just..."
Her heart plummeted. Rose racked her brain for an answer that wouldn't arouse suspicion.
"It's too much, that's why. It's already enough for me, like a dream."
Yes. It was excessively undeserved for a sinner.
Her heart, pressed by anxiety while choosing the right words, beat at a terrifying speed. She feared it might burst.
"Your heartbeat is loud."
Ezekiel, with a smile, caressed Rose's left chest. Tracing the gentle curve, he felt a slight flinch as his hand moved upward.
He had thought her heart would beat calmly, given her usually gentle demeanor and her tendency to hide her true feelings.
Ezekiel listened to the thumping rhythm. It was surprising, yet he liked it immensely.
Because it was proof that she was facing him with such a beating heart.
It felt as if it were expressing her excitement for him.
Listening a little longer, he buried his lips in the soft mound of her breast. Rose's breathing faltered at the intentional contact.
"I have almost no memory of living a life without a goal. In the past, I joined the army to protect Valdemara, and then I went to war to protect Astria. Protecting was my daily life."
Rose moaned at the warm breath that touched her sensitive erogenous zones.
"However, I fell into a trap and lost everything I believed I was protecting overnight, leaving me wandering, not knowing how to live. And now, my world is not as grand or splendid as it was then..."
Licking and sucking the soft breast, Ezekiel whispered softly.
"Since meeting you, I have something new I want to protect. This time, I have no intention of failing."
Once more, he repeated his promise.
"My goal is you, Rose."
...This is not right.
Rose's eyes, half-closed, snapped open.
Even while entwined with the man who once felt as distant as a fantasy, and receiving such sweet confessions, she couldn't be entirely happy.
Why, of all times, now, like this.
She felt devastated.
She felt sorrowful.
She felt lost.
Yet, at the same time, she harbored a shameless wish.
How wonderful it would be if there were a way to pick up the pieces of the past.
Then she would have surrendered herself entirely to these hands long ago.
She would have done so willingly.
The sins she carried were too heavy. The irreversible regret was heavy. The mouth that had to keep secrets for a lifetime was heavy, her conscience that couldn't be invoked was heavy, and the name and appearance she had fabricated were also heavy.
Above all, this man was the heaviest burden to her.
He was a man who had lost his sight, his career, his pride, his honor, his family, and his future because of her.
And yet, he vowed to protect the shell she had created with lies. He spoke a promise he would never make if he knew her true identity.
"Hoo..."
No matter how much she exhaled, her chest didn't feel relieved.
Rose fumbled at her throat. She knew what was tangled there. A secret was choking her. A hideous and wicked secret that would never disappear as long as she was by his side.
"...Are you crying? Rose?"
Even though it had only seeped out slightly, he keenly noticed the wetness around her eyes. It was because the man who wanted to read her expression had developed a habit of often touching her face even during their caresses.
His calloused fingers brushed away her tears.
"You haven't received anything yet, so why are you crying already?"
Tears welled up because she was in no position to receive such sincere affection.
Her heart ached because she couldn't dare to wish for love or desire.
She should have paid her debt by doing her utmost to help him recover, so he wouldn't be further ruined, and she should have just considered herself a temporary comfort for his body, like his wayward kin...
"I'm probably not as good a woman as you think, Major."
However, her timid heart could express nothing more than self-deprecation.
