Chapter 74
74
74. The Count I Met Again (4)
I lowered my head slightly to hide my face. At this moment, I regretted not having bangs to cover my face. I should have never cut them. Regret surged. I tried not to show any signs of panic and moved my feet.
Standing opposite Joelly, she handed me the flower decoration. Then, she pushed Alicia, who was standing next to her, behind.
"Ann, hurry. We don't have much time."
"Ah, yes. I understand."
I glanced at Alicia once and stood behind Joelly. First, I combed through her tangled golden hair, then twisted and pinned it up. I secured the hair with small pins in between, and placed the flower decoration on top.
Joelly looked at herself in the mirror and smiled with satisfaction.
"Ann is so skillful."
"Thank you."
I bowed and stepped back. Joelly turned around to examine herself and looked at Vincent.
"How is it?"
"……."
"How is it?"
"Not bad."
It was still a perfunctory tone, but this time Joelly smiled contentedly and looked at herself in the mirror again. I kept my gaze fixed on the floor. I wished this time would pass quickly. Thinking that, I turned my head slightly to the side and met Vincent's eyes. I was startled and looked down again, but it was already after we had made eye contact.
"Oh, I haven't introduced Ann yet."
Joelly intervened at that exact moment.
"She's a servant who attends to Robert. She's helping Nanny. Oh, she and the maid who attends to me are sisters. They don't look alike, do they?"
Sisters? I heard a voice asking. I could feel his gaze on me. My right cheek also felt prickly. I knew without having to check that Alicia was looking at me with a dissatisfied expression.
But since the attention was focused on me, I couldn't pretend not to notice. I hesitated, turned my body, and immediately bent at the waist. Not satisfied with that, I lowered my head deeply.
"……Nice to meet you. My name is Ann."
Even uttering a single word made me tremble. My slightly parted lips quivered. I swallowed hard and tried to calm my pounding heart. I spoke as slowly and clearly as possible so that my voice wouldn't tremble. A light introduction that anyone could make, that was just right.
The gaze on the crown of my head felt prickly. There was no response. His attitude felt cold, but in a way, it was natural. I smiled bitterly and calmly waited for him to accept my greeting.
"It's not the first time."
In that instant, my heart sank. My mind, mixed with confusion, was completely exposed. I hesitated and raised my slightly lowered eyes, and saw emerald eyes watching me.
I moved my lips several times, but eventually closed them. I wanted to ask what he meant, but I couldn't.
Did he recognize me?
Did he recognize me?
The pupils, devoid of dull light, had a clear Heterochromia. Those emerald eyes slowly scanned me. Although I was looking down, the stuffy bangs that had been covering my face were gone, so he might have seen my ugly face. Realizing that, I had to suppress the urge to run away.
But I don't want to avoid it.
If he really recognizes me…….
"Ugly."
……Ugly?
"I think Robert called you that."
"……?"
He murmured softly as if thinking deeply. I pondered what he meant. Then something came to mind. The emotion that had seemed like it would fill with tears was shattered.
"I saw you when I came out of the forest with Robert. Maybe."
"The forest……?"
Immediately, Nanny's sharp eyes flew at me. This time, my heart trembled in a different way. Nanny, it's all my fault.
The usually cold Nanny, especially when it came to Robert, was burning fiercely. I glanced at Nanny's expression, and then I met Vincent's eyes again. By now, I had raised my head halfway, so my face would have been completely exposed to him. I missed the chance to lower my head.
He looked at my face and widened his eyes. Then he looked at Alicia and back at me.
I could immediately recognize what the gaze looking at me, the briefly distorted face, meant.
"You don't look alike at all."
"……."
Then he turned his head and looked at Joelly.
"Hurry up and come out. I'll be waiting outside."
"Okay."
After hearing Joelly's answer, Vincent looked at the sleeping Robert for a moment. He stroked his golden hair once and got up from the sofa. Then, he left the room with the same calm steps as when he came in. His back, never looking back, disappeared as the door closed.
Tak- Even after the door closed, my gaze couldn't leave the door. Vincent's words echoed in my ears. I tried to figure out what was contained within them.
'You don't look alike at all.'
'The sisters are too different.'
'You're too hideous.'
The words I had heard sometime echoed one after another.
My face flushed with shame.
\ \ *
'You benefited from that face.'
Those were the words a woman said to me as I was putting the washed clothes in a basket and coming out. There was only one river in the village, so the women gathered there to do laundry while chatting about various things. Therefore, what couldn't be hidden was our family affairs, and the inside stories of other people's families.
However, my mind slowly turned at the sudden words. I didn't know what she meant, so I looked up at her. The woman crossed her arms and clicked her tongue as if she felt sorry for me.
'If it weren't for that face, would you be living and breathing like that now? You would have been sold off or beaten to death like your sisters. It's fortunate that you were born with that face.'
'…….'
'That's a blessing.'
Hearing those words, I rolled my eyes. I thought about what she meant by fortunate. But no matter how much I thought about it, the answer didn't come out, and only the questions grew longer.
'Why?'
'What?'
'Why is that fortunate? Why should I consider it fortunate that I was born like this? Just because I'm living instead of my sisters, can you call that a blessing?'
It was pure curiosity. I don't know why my appearance should be considered fortunate. Can you call it a blessing to have survived under the Devil spawn? I was really curious. Do you really think so?
Then the woman was flustered. The other women who were watching this side from behind her avoided my eyes and looked around. My gaze reached them and then fixed on the woman in front of me again.
'This is not a blessing, it's a tragedy.'
My life is just a tragedy. Saying that, I raised the only corner of my mouth that was visible. The stuffy bangs that covered my eyes were the product of my tragedy.
This was not fortunate, and it was certainly not a blessing. But I gave up. It was meaningless to try to change something that couldn't be changed no matter how much I struggled. That's how my life was. Because nothing changed because of me, I couldn't change either. I had even considered whether it wouldn't be a happier ending to die.
I told Vincent to be brave, but I couldn't be brave myself. I couldn't even think of being brave.
So when I saw a grown man, a noble count at that, cowering in fear on the bed, I sympathized and felt sorry for him as much as I could. Someone more pitiful than me. When he acted as if he only had me, I felt good in a way. There's someone who needs me. I think I became conceited.
Vincent was like Second daughter. It's not that his personality or face were similar. That precariousness, that feeling of wanting to protect him because of it, made me act as if I was looking at Second daughter.
So I was happy that he clung to me, who was attending to him, and I wanted to help him. Even in the midst of running away, the heart that wished him eternal happiness, who would be left alone, was sincere.
But he was not Second daughter, and he was someone who didn't need my worries. He had lost his sight, but he was still a nobleman after all. From the beginning, my existence was meaningless. Maybe he didn't even need help. I realized that now.
And the forgotten me too.
Splash- The water that was poured splashed on my face and fell. The water droplets that fell were black. My body, instantly soaked, smelled sour.
"Oh, I'm sorry!"
The maid came up in a panic and apologized, saying she didn't know there was someone there. But I was the one who suddenly popped out on the way to throw away the water. I said it was okay and rubbed my stinging eyes with the back of my hand. Then, when my bangs were pushed up, I quickly lowered my head.
"Are you okay?"
"I, I'm okay."
Leaving the flustered maid behind, I quickly ran. It seemed like my body was dirty not because of the dirty water. The sour smell of the dirty water was like my body odor. Water droplets fell and left traces wherever I passed. The maid who was wiping the hallway frowned. I lowered my head and quickened my pace.
The emotions that had arisen since the encounter with Vincent were gradually growing.
The he I met again was surprised to see my face. He tried not to show it, but I recognized that moment. Embarrassment. That was the face I had consistently seen from people who looked at me. The expectations of what if were shattered and disappeared, and even the joy of reunion was replaced with regret.
'I want to hide.'
What would happen if I said I was the maid who attended to him? Would he get angry and ask why I disappeared, would he be happy, or would he be disappointed? No, maybe he wouldn't even imagine it. The arrogant and brazen maid who remained in his head wouldn't be such an ugly woman.
In the end, I was just an embarrassing existence to Vincent.
I returned to my room and washed my body. Even after washing away the dirty water, a lingering feeling remained. It still felt like my body smelled. It felt dirty no matter how much I washed. I kept rubbing until the skin peeled off and stung. When I touched my neck, blood was smeared.
"I wish I was a lizard."
Then I could shed my skin and become beautiful. I could shed the skin I'm wearing now and stand confidently in front of that man with a new look.
But I'm human. I can't shed my skin, and unless I die, my appearance as 'me' will never change.
'Don't do this. We decided not to think like this.'
It's easy to cry and fall into sadness. But it's difficult to accept it and move forward. Because sadness doesn't just come for a moment. It's sadness that suddenly appears and stabs me and drags me into despair. If I collapse there, it's over.
I took a breath and poured cold water all over my body. I regained my composure, which had been shaken for a moment.
