39 - Pieces of the Broken Glass Slipper
Shattered Glass Slipper Shards Episode 39
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Roena was trying to turn me into a beast. Just like Sissae of the past, to be faithful to momentary emotions and ruin everything.
Barely suppressing my anger by taking a few breaths, I asked her, clinging to a thread of patience.
“Is this also a form of not looking away?”
“No, it's the beginning. Sissae, I truly consider you my older sister. I like you. So I will help you with all my might. No, I should have done so from the start, but it feels too late. So please, don't turn away.”
I thought if I pressed her, asking if she didn't think more of the servants than me, she would lock herself in her room for a few days and suffer. So, even with Margo watching, I drove her hard.
But it seems I underestimated Roena more than I thought. Who would have known she would find common ground for her actions so quickly and come up with a plausible excuse!
Roena, the lovely angel of the Bishvarts Family, seemed weak but was more shameless and strangely strong than anyone else. Yet, it was strangely only me who could see that strong side.
“Thank you. I will cherish that sentiment dearly. I am so happy by Roena’s kindness that I could cry.”
I barely managed to speak with trembling lips. Fortunately, the voice that came out through my tongue was the same as always.
“But it’s okay. Thanks to my aunt’s education, I learned a few things, though not many, that are essential for me right now.”
“Sissae……”
“Roena, if I say I’m okay, then I’m truly okay. This is not an empty promise. If you want to help me, start by believing me. Then I will be even happier.”
I realized today that when I get too angry, my voice becomes more stable and my breathing calmer than usual. As if dreaming, my words and breath scattered like mist, disorienting me. It is this difficult to not release anger at the right moment.
My body felt like wet fallen leaves, drooping. Perhaps that’s why? I felt extremely tired and wanted to lie down on the bed and rest. It took a tremendous amount of mental energy to forcibly control my hands that felt like they would fly towards Roena’s cheek.
“But can I treat you to tea as a reward for your words another time? I’m extremely exhausted right now.”
“Mhm.”
“Ah, right. I am truly grateful that you ran to me without even having time to fix your clothes. Roena.”
“Huh?”
I smiled at her, who was staring at me with wide eyes. I gathered all the patience stuck to the bottom of my heart and tried my best. Enduring the feeling that made me want to vomit.
“I like you too. I’m glad I have a sister like Roena.”
Who wouldn’t be hurt when the other person doesn’t act as intended and presents their own method of overcoming it? In this absurd situation, this outrageously infuriating and miserable situation, I tasted melancholy.
I wanted you to suffer a little more, Roena.
It is truly painful for the truth I cannot speak to get caught on the tip of my tongue and vanish in vain.
Vainness and emptiness.
I know these two emotions very well. I have tasted them desperately and deeply when I realized that no matter how hard I tried, I could never have what I wanted, and when my life spent chasing it felt worthless. I knew that ‘giving up’ and ‘resignation’ would follow.
I thought of ‘loneliness’ as the flip side of these. Because I knew that no one in the world could empathize with me or understand me.
After all, who would call the wicked intentions, bundled with malice, lovely and gently caress them?
This is the decisive factor that separates Roena and me. The only thing I can rely on is myself, so if I take a direct blow, I collapse uncontrollably.
Is this the right way to go?
Will I be defeated by her again?
Distrust and doubt in myself, and the nightmare of repeating the past, constantly tormented me. Since I am the one forging the path forward, no one could offer me an answer. Or rather, they couldn't.
Because no matter the outcome, I am the one who caused it. Therefore, I must bear the responsibility for it.
That’s why I was scared. I was afraid. If there were a certain future, I could run wild without worry, but since there isn't, I measure and watch everything carefully.
Isn't it truly laughable? To act as if the things I've done so far were nothing, yet to tremble in fear from just one conversation.
But I have already seen the end of my life. A life filled with terrible humiliation and desperate defeat.
Therefore, the contempt, disgrace, mockery, and criticism I tasted countless times through my past still lived and moved vividly within me.
So I had to ask.
Am I really doing well?
Lying face down on the canopy-draped bed, I doubted myself. At the same time, I mocked myself, because I seemed so foolish, collapsing so vainly from just one blow.
The past me, hidden in a corner of my heart, speaks with a sarcastic tone.
Roena was not hurt by anything you have done so far. Poor Sissae. Pitiful Sissae. You will repeat the past again. You will be defeated by her.
I let out a silent scream and denied those words.
No. I am doing well. And I will continue to do so.
The past me, a small woman looking like a dried-up skeleton, mocks me with eyes shining fiercely with venom.
But you feel it now too. Roena considers you so insignificant that she sees everything you've done so far as the tantrums of a childish, immature child. Sissae, don't deny it. There's no way you don't know what I know, right? You will be defeated like me.
Yes, this is it. The reason I am suffering. The reason I am struggling. The real reason I want to scream like a mad person.
Roena has only ever seen me as a pitiable object to be cared for!
I let out a silent scream and pounded the pillow with my fists.
Who are you? What right do you have? To dare to me!! To me!!!
My breath catches in my throat, and the unreleased anger burns fiercely in my chest, consuming me. It torments me relentlessly like a fever, making me writhe in prolonged pain. The tears streaming down my eyes were the screams I couldn't utter for fear of others.
I wish you would die, Roena. I truly wish you would die.
I cried and laughed like a madwoman. Burying my face in the duvet, I sobbed and cursed Roena, then, feeling pathetic about myself, I cried again.
I thought I was well-prepared, unlike in the past. I was confident that if I continued like this, I could grasp victory at any time.
But I was still foolish, and the same stupid Sissae as before.
I miss the me from back then, who acted recklessly without knowing anything. If I were that person from those days, I wouldn't be crying silently like this, but would have strangled her and thrashed her around as I pleased.
But what is this ridiculous state I'm in now? I'm unable to do anything properly, constantly worrying about the eyes of those around me. It's like I've fallen into my own trap and am flailing.
“Miss, what is wrong with you? Why won't you let me call the doctor? You’ll be in serious trouble at this rate.”
Marie’s shadow hovers beyond the canopy. She was pretending to worry about me, who was confined to bed, crying silently without eating anything.
I replied by throwing a cushion out of the bed. It was better to make her think I was throwing a tantrum than to let her see me cry. There’s no need to be looked down upon by Marie as well.
“I’ll place the soup on the small table next to the bed, Miss. Please eat it.”
With the sound of fabric brushing against the floor, Marie exits the room. I couldn't even bear to hear that sound, so I covered my ears tightly with a pillow and closed my eyes. Everything was bothersome. I didn't even want to think. Sleepiness just washed over me.
So, I ignored Marie’s request and fell into a deep sleep. I earnestly wished to sleep peacefully, without any dreams.
When I opened my eyes, it was the dim dawn. An early dawn when even maids like Marie wouldn't be awake. A slightly cool and damp air drifted towards my nose.
I pulled back the canopy and got out of bed. I draped a small shawl over my shoulders and left the room.
Come to think of it, it’s been a while since I woke up this early. In my childhood, I used to wake up at this hour to fetch water. Water sellers who went out to fetch water and sell it to city dwellers in the early morning hated it when someone entered their territory to draw water. Once, when I carelessly went to draw water, I encountered them and was slapped hard on the cheek.
The water jug was very large and heavy for my young self to carry. I often spilled water, getting my clothes soaked. But I needed water to wash my face or cook.
Besides my mother, who left for work early in the morning, I was the only one who could do this. The time spent rubbing my heavy, un-opened eyes and going to find a clear well to draw water was very lonely and desolate.
I wanted to sleep more or dawdle. At the same time, I thought that wiping the sweat dripping from my forehead while panting was like wiping away tears. Just like now, I was a very pitiable and lonely child back then. Yes, just like the child standing before me now.
The garden where I stand is not a place for servants or peddlers to pass through. Therefore, no one other than myself, my attendant maids, or knights could pass through.
But a child was standing in the garden. She was looking at the flowers, damp with morning dew, and smiling innocently, looking very lovely. The small water jug placed at her feet told me what she was doing. I walked slowly towards the child.
“Oh? Who are you, sister?”
The child asks me. Her voice, echoing clearly through the morning air, sounded like a small, cheerful bell.
She was a quite cute girl with plump cheeks from her ripening baby fat. If not for the worn-out clothes she wore on her frail body, one might think she was from a well-off family.
