-----------------------------------------------------------------
Translator: Vine
Chapter: 50
Chapter Title: A Limited Time
-----------------------------------------------------------------
50.
After she left, Eun-seong sat on the edge of the bed, staring at the empty space.
He gently swept his hand over the spot where all that heat had vanished, then slowly closed and opened his eyes. If it weren't for the bouquet she'd left as a congratulatory gift, if it weren't for the broken champagne glass, he might not have believed she had been there at all.
He sat still, breathing, like a man who had lost his purpose, before lifting his head. A comfortable breath finally escaped him, making him realize how strained his breathing had been until now.
‘I hope that when the time comes, I won’t fall apart. I hope I can feel just the right amount of regret, just the right amount of relief, and turn away.’
You, thinking of the end before we've even begun again.
‘I mean it. So, for the sake of that time, it's better not to share our hearts. That would be better for both of us, in many ways.’
It felt as if she was telling him that in the end, he wouldn't be able to protect her. A surge of resentment rose in him, but he had no excuse to offer.
To think she would know this in advance and prepare for it. To think she would refuse to give her heart, as if to say she had to save herself. Faced with her perfectly wise and correct words, he was forced to admit what a pathetic man he was.
One fact he must never forget: Go Yeon-joo was a mother.
If only to protect Han-byeol from harsh scrutiny, she would have no intention of letting this dalliance go on for long. After all, nothing was important enough to risk her child's future.
He couldn't ask if she'd be willing to go all the way with him. He couldn't even try to persuade her, saying that if she loved him too, they could make it work this time.
“You idiot. This is just great.”
Hah… A wave of self-reproach followed a long sigh.
As if drained of all energy, he lay back on the bed. He stared at the dimly lit ceiling, then clenched his fist as if to recapture the warmth of her he had held in his hand.
Even later, don't forgive me.
He squeezed his eyes shut.
Never… never forgive me…
While I was lost in the past, trying to revel in memories, you were detached, like someone who had already run to the future and seen our disastrous end.
The thought made him laugh. While you, ever the thorough planner, prepared your escape route, I was just looking at you, about to be trapped again.
This time, I should prepare something so I don't get completely wrecked. If the end is already set, I should have some kind of safety net so it doesn't hurt so badly.
As if that were possible.
“Looks like I'm going to suffer until I die. Trapped.”
For a brief moment, the words escaped him as if he'd glimpsed the future she had seen. Then, he turned to gaze at the empty space beside him where she had been.
Was it a mistake to bring her here? Now, I'll never have a day of peaceful rest in this place. The void you left, though you were only here for a moment, feels so vast. In a space where being alone was natural, I'll now feel a chilling loneliness, as if I've been left behind.
Huu, he let out a short breath and raised an arm to cover his eyes. He pictured her bright smile during the day, then her primal, passion-hazed eyes at night, and bit his lip. His heart began to boil with the desperate desire to not miss a single side of her, to not share any part of her with anyone else.
…Can I turn away?
“What do I do? I don't think I can, Yeon-joo.”
When the time comes, whenever that may be, can I step away cleanly?
Can I disappear as if nothing ever happened, hoping for your peace and protecting your child's safe, ordinary life?
I have to. I can. Even if I can't, I must. As if berating himself, Eun-seong continued the train of thought, then wiped his face with his hands as if washing away a sigh and bit his lip hard.
Shaking himself from his thoughts, Eun-seong picked up his phone and called her. How far has she gone? Is she tired? Is there any chance she'll miss me and turn back?
“Hello? Where are you? Getting home okay? Is your foot not acting up?”
— Me? I'm almost home. Just about to go in. Why?
“Ah… that was fast. Just wanted to call.”
It was an autumn night with a bright moon and a cold frost. Lying here wallowing in self-pity was a waste of the time he had to love her.
*
“Oh? Yeon-joo-ssi!”
On a day with no filming, Dr. Joo, who was watching over the clinic, looked surprised to see Yeon-joo walk through the door.
“Hello, Doctor.”
“Welcome. Oh my, is something wrong with Yam?”
“No. Yam is in top condition these days.”
“Then why did you come…”
Dr. Joo stopped mid-question. This damned professional habit of his had popped out without any tact, making him ask why she was here.
He cursed his lack of social grace. Dr. Joo quickly changed his expression and waved his hands.
“I might as well have told you to get out. What a tactless thing to say.”
“No. I'm the strange one for coming to a vet clinic without Yam.”
“Can I get you a cup of coffee?”
“The tea you mentioned you drink… I think I'd like that.”
Dr. Joo, who had been about to look for the coffee he'd recently stocked, turned back. Walking toward the examination room, Yeon-joo smiled gently.
“It's not that Ssanghwacha with the raw egg yolk floating in it, is it?”
“Unfortunately, there's no egg yolk, but I do have Ssanghwacha. But I'll give you something else today.”
“Aha. Yes. Thank you.”
Dr. Joo quickly brought out two cups of tea. A languid teatime began in the examination room.
*
“How's the tea?”
Yeon-joo savored it in response to Dr. Joo's question. Then she tilted her head, saying she wasn't sure.
“It doesn't have much of a fragrance, does it? The taste is… a little astringent, maybe?”
“Yes. It's supposed to be like that. It's a tea made from lotus seeds.”
“Lotus seeds? I've never heard of it.”
“They're the seeds of a ripe lotus flower. When you remove the germ and make it into tea, it's good for fatigue recovery, blood circulation, mental and physical stability, and even dieting.”
“Wow, I didn't know. It's a good tea.”
Dr. Joo pointed to the teacup with a serious expression.
“These lotus seeds are full of methionine, an essential amino acid. The body can't synthesize methionine, so you have to consume it through food like this. The astringent taste is probably from the methionine, and if you savor it slowly, you'll be able to taste a sweetness at the end.”
“Ah… yes, I see.”
Yeon-joo smiled at the end of her sentence. The way his eyes sparkled as he launched into an explanation of the tea made it feel like she was listening to a lecture from a renowned doctor.
As if sensing the meaning behind her smile, Dr. Joo looked awkward again.
“It's been a while since I've seen you, Yeon-joo-ssi, and all I'm doing is talking about tea. I'm so tactless.”
“No, it was very informative. Where else would I get to try lotus seed tea? Methionine, essential amino acid… I'll be sure to remember.”
Yeon-joo slowly took a sip and closed her eyes with a comfortable expression, feeling for the aftertaste. Then her eyes opened as if she'd had an epiphany.
“Just as you said, Doctor, I can taste a sweetness at the end. I didn't notice it before, but it's really there.”
“Right? Many people don't realize it because of the initial astringency, but if you drink it slowly, the sweetness is quite rich… Ah, I'm sorry. I keep rambling on about useless things.”
Dr. Joo kept furrowing his brow as if something was bothering him. Yeon-joo watched his face for a moment before sweeping her hair back.
A serene feeling settled in, the atmosphere neither sinking nor lifting. After a period of silence, Yeon-joo finally spoke.
“I came because I thought you might be waiting for me, Doctor.”
“Ah… yes. Yeon-joo-ssi.”
Nodding, Dr. Joo worried his lip. Because of the words he'd blurted out that night, in the rain, under the clinic's awning, he had been waiting for her judgment like a sinner.
“The interest you've shown me… to be honest, I don't dislike it.”
“…”
“I know you're a very good person, and when I'm with you like this, I find my mind calming down without me even realizing it. It's like my complicated thoughts settle.”
It sounded positive, but the intonation of her words, her solemn expression, and the lack of light in her eyes hinted at what was to come.
Dr. Joo pulled his teacup closer and remained silent.
“Talking with you feels like drinking a tea that's good for my health. The kind that calms the mind and body, and helps with fatigue.”
“…”
“But I'm already so jaded and worn down by the world that, rather than a pure and clean tea like this, I think coffee loaded with caffeine is… is more my style.”
Dr. Joo, who was swallowing his tea, lifted his head. As the tea went down, his Adam's apple bobbed noticeably.
“I know it's good for my health, and I know that keeping it close would only be beneficial, but even knowing all that, I think I'd still go for coffee the moment I leave the clinic. Thinking, 'Yep, coffee's the best for me.'”
“Yeon-joo-ssi.”
“You asked me for time. For a chance.”
Yeon-joo looked at Dr. Joo with a steady, calm gaze.
“That chance and that time… no matter how I think about it, it seems like it would only be a loss. For me, and for you.”
“…”
“Feeling the way I do, I can't do that to you, Doctor.”
Dr. Joo slowly lowered his gaze to his teacup. Looking at the tea, so clear and transparent he could see the bottom, he thought what a foolish tea it was, showing its inner self so plainly.
To have its depths so easily seen. A bottom that didn't know how to hide anything and just showed it all.
“Yeon-joo-ssi.”
So, of course, there's no curiosity.
“Yes, Doctor.”
So, of course, it's boring.
“Do you love him?”
A lukewarm warmth seeped into the hand holding the teacup. Dr. Joo couldn't bring himself to meet her eyes, simply clenching and unclenching his hand as time passed.
“…Yes.”
His eyes closed on their own. Afraid a sigh of grief would escape, he quickly exhaled sharply and nodded before opening his eyes again.
His heart, not particularly surprised, beat without pain. Right. I already knew. It was a fact I'd known more than enough, to the point of overflowing.
“Isn't he the one person you wanted to avoid more than anyone? The one you were running from, even lying, because you didn't want to get involved with him again?”
“I wanted to run. No, I still want to run away. The me of tomorrow will probably want to run from him, too.”
“…”
“But… I can't seem to do it, Doctor.”
His jaw tensed, teeth clenched. A heavy, sigh-like breath escaped him, spreading like noise.
How much time had passed? As if he couldn't understand no matter how much he thought about it, as if he simply couldn't fathom the reason, he asked her.
“What are you going to do, loving someone like that? Is a future even promised? Did he say everything would be okay?”
“No. Not exactly.”
“Then that means he can't take responsibility for the end, doesn't it? You shouldn't go down that path. Even if you love him, no matter how much, you shouldn't go down that kind of path, Yeon-joo-ssi.”
A sense of anxiety rose in him, like watching a child left by the water's edge. He desperately wanted to stop her from going down such a dangerous road.
But she smiled. It was a dazzlingly brilliant smile, like the bright sunlight peeking through the clinic window.
It was as if, right now, she couldn't see or hear anything but him. It was also as if she wanted to think about what comes later, later.
“He's someone who will fly far, far away eventually. But the fact that there's a time limit between us… I actually find that a relief. That's all I can think about right now.”
“…”
“I'm sorry, and thank you, Doctor.”
Dr. Joo finally lowered his gaze. I wanted to make you happy. I thought about how much your heart must ache, already stolen by him.
I thought I shouldn't add another burden to your heart.
…She was prepared to be happy for a moment, and sad for a long, long time.
