-----------------------------------------------------------------
Translator: Vine
Chapter: 5
Chapter Title: Star's Mother
-----------------------------------------------------------------

5.

Yeon-joo smiled, as she always did, as she said her final goodbyes to Eun-seong. The airport was already swarming with reporters, so all they got was a few words in the car when he stopped by her house.

Looking at his face, thinking it was the last time, Eun-seong felt like a stranger. In a black crewneck sweatshirt with a cap pulled down low, he looked every bit the actor.

A sense of distance washed over her, a feeling that he was never meant for a childish romance like theirs. It made her realize what a pipe dream she’d been living.

After he left the country, Yeon-joo sent him a short message, telling him she was going to study abroad too. She apologized for not telling him sooner, explaining that with his departure so imminent, she had put it off.

*I want to become a great designer too,* she wrote. *You know that’s my dream. I think it’s best we just break up like this.*

[I want to break up now. I think it’s for the best.]

She didn't think she could get the words out if she had to see his face. And if she tried to call, she was afraid the tears welling up would give her away.

She knew it was a cowardly and despicable thing to do, but after sending the message, Yeon-joo turned off her phone. She couldn't find any other way.

Perhaps because it didn't feel real, not a single tear fell. A day passed, then two, and still Yeon-joo lay in bed, motionless, her phone powered off.

She had no appetite and skipped several meals until a wave of nausea and bloating sent her running to the toilet to throw up. It soon became difficult to even swallow water, and she was too weak to move, her body plagued by dizziness and a low-grade fever.

A few days later, Yeon-joo had her phone number disconnected. As if to prove she was really studying abroad, she submitted a request for a leave of absence from school.

Several more days passed. She turned on the TV just in time for his awards ceremony broadcast. While waiting for Eun-seong’s category, Yeon-joo suddenly glanced at the calendar.

Rubbing her stomach, which had been aching with a dull, persistent pain for days, she stared at the calendar and fell deep into thought. *When was my last period?*

Yeon-joo, whose periods were irregular, wasn't particularly concerned about skipping a month. But this time, she realized it had been quite a while, and a sudden anxiety gripped her.

They were usually diligent about protection, but there had been one exception: the early morning of her birthday. Intoxicated by alcohol and emotion, they had neglected their duty to each other.

*...No, it can't be. It can't.*

Yeon-joo turned her gaze back to the TV. She tried to forget the creeping dread, but somehow, she couldn't bring herself to move the hand cradling her lower abdomen.

Life wouldn't be this cruel. If she just lived quietly for a few months, everything would go back to normal. Yeon-joo repeated it to herself over and over, like a mantra.

But she couldn't make sense of her body's strange symptoms. As if possessed, she rose from her seat. Earlier that day, while buying indigestion medicine, she had, on some whim, also bought a pregnancy test.

Yeon-joo took the test out of her bag and took a deep breath.

She wondered if she really needed to do this, but the anxiety wouldn't go away. She decided to get it over with, just to put her mind at ease before seeing him on screen. She went into the bathroom, skimmed the instructions, and began the test.

The results were supposed to appear within ten minutes, but even after thirty minutes had passed, Yeon-joo hadn't come out of the bathroom.

A long while later, she emerged, her eyes dazed. Just then, the award for Best Actor was being presented. Clutching the test with its two clear lines, Yeon-joo stared at the screen.

Finally, the winner was announced.

“Congratulations. The award goes to Im Eun-seong from *Sweet Amusement Park*.”

Yeon-joo’s lips parted slightly.

*

Her world went dark. Her heart, beating abnormally fast, seemed to press down on every nerve in her body. She trembled, a tingling numbness spreading through her limbs.

Every time she refreshed the news portal, more articles about Eun-seong appeared. The view counts were explosive.

Companies that had already secured contracts with him were celebrating, and his independent film began to climb back up the charts.

Watching it all as if it were a story from another world, Yeon-joo mechanically dialed Eun-seong’s number. But his number, too, no longer existed. It dawned on her then that she had no way to contact him.

The automated message saying the number was disconnected sounded like his acceptance of their breakup.

“Ah…”

Several discarded pregnancy tests lay at the foot of her bed. The first audible sigh that escaped her lips seemed to unleash a torrent of pent-up sorrow.

“Ah… what do I do…”

Tears welled in her eyes before suddenly pouring down like a flood.

It was the first time she had cried since the breakup. She had been holding it all in, telling herself she didn't even have the right to cry, but this time, she couldn't bear it.

“Ah… what do I do, what do I do…”

She tried calling his number again. The recorded message only made her sobs louder.

On the TV she hadn’t turned off, the news had started. The anchor announced his award as a joyous occasion.

A cry escaped her that she had never heard before. Her throat trembled endlessly, but her body seemed to know that these were tears that could not be stopped.

“This is truly a momentous occasion for the Korean film industry. We look forward to seeing what actor Im Eun-seong will do next.”

The anchor's slightly flushed voice buzzed in her ears as Yeon-joo buried her face in her knees and wept inconsolably.

As everyone had predicted, his path to stardom had begun. On a day that everyone called a joyous occasion, she cried enough to drown.

*

Yeon-joo went to an OB-GYN, unable to bear the constant cramping and pulling sensation in her lower abdomen. The fear made the discomfort feel worse than it actually was.

“Hmm. The gestational sac is in a very unstable state right now.”

One unbearable thing after another kept happening.

Yeon-joo couldn't say a word, only blinking her eyes open and shut.

‘Yeon-joo, your boyfriend just got his big break. You can’t do this to him. You know Eun-seong. If you cling to him, he’s the type to give up everything, success and all. Is that what you want?’

Tae-gon’s words felt closer than the doctor's. Yeon-joo squeezed her eyes shut. As the ultrasound probe pressed gently against her stomach, the cold gel felt shockingly real.

“You’re showing early signs of a miscarriage. It’s a bit risky to just leave it as is.”

Her heart pounded so hard she felt she might pass out from hyperventilating. Unsure what to do, she clenched her hands tightly.

“Are you okay? Oh dear, if the mother isn’t strong, it’s hard on the baby too.”

“I’m sorry. *Hic, sob*…”

She wasn't ready to accept any of it, but things just kept escalating. Her mind seemed to have stopped thinking, a moment of such despair that she couldn't picture a single step into the future.

After the ultrasound, the doctor waited patiently as Yeon-joo sobbed. Though she still had many tears to shed, she eventually managed to quiet down to small hitches of breath. The doctor then asked.

“As I explained earlier, it’s dangerous to leave this be. There’s a very high probability of a natural miscarriage before long.”

“…”

“If you don't want to miscarry, I can give you a shot.”

Based on years of experience, the doctor guessed at Yeon-joo’s situation. The father was likely unknown, or the pregnancy was unplanned.

The shot was merely a suggestion.

“Natural miscarriages happen more often than you’d think. It’s not the mother’s fault, so you don’t need to feel too guilty. Please, think it over carefully and let me know.”

The doctor’s calm explanation didn't fully register. Yeon-joo’s voice was choked with tears.

Her terrified breaths came in ragged gasps. Her entire life felt like it hung on this single answer, and she couldn't bring herself to speak.

She had no way of knowing that her emotions were running so high because of the pregnancy. Her usual calm, composed nature was gone, replaced by a complete breakdown in the face of this sudden crisis.

She realized she had no way to tell Eun-seong she was pregnant. She had to admit to herself that this was the devastating punishment for their breakup.

All means of contact were gone. The thought that he had finally flown away to a place she could never reach consumed her with fear.

*I can still choose. Maybe this is a chance.*

The thought that she still had a choice made her pulse throb, but then, suddenly, the sound of a tiny heartbeat echoed in her ears.

*Thump-thump. Thump-thump. Thump-thump.*

The first time she heard the baby’s heartbeat, she had been too busy fighting her own sorrow to feel anything.

*Thump-thump. Thump-thump. Thump-thump. Thump-thump.*

How had she not realized what a sacred, magnificent sound it was?

“Do you need more time? Would you like to think about it?”

“No…”

Yeon-joo opened her tear-stained lips.

“Give it to me… the shot…”

“The shot? Are you sure you’ll be okay?”

“Yes…”

The tears wouldn't stop. Yeon-joo’s shoulders shook with sobs. With a short sigh, the doctor prescribed the injection.

She thought she was a grown adult, but she was crying like a frightened child.

Yeon-joo wept, her breath trembling uncontrollably. A nurse guided her to a recovery room and left her there to compose herself.

*

*Let him go.*

When the tears had dried on her face, leaving her skin tight, Yeon-joo sat up in bed.

She looked down at the maternity handbook lying beside her. The blank space on the front page for the prenatal name bothered her, and she picked up a pen.

“I should… give you a name…”

Though no one was there to hear, she spoke the words aloud. She hesitated, unable to think of one right away, until Eun-seong came to mind.

What kind of name would he have chosen? What would he have suggested?

“I’ll call you Byeol.”

Byeol. Star. A child who knows no misfortune, who shines brightly.

Yeon-joo wrote the name that came to her in the handbook. As she wrote ‘Byeol’ in the space for the prenatal name, a hot pain seared her eyes, and she squeezed them shut before opening them again.

She unconsciously stroked her belly. Her voice, once again wet with tears, was thick with sorrow.

“Hello, Byeol. It’s Mom.”

It was the first time she had spoken to her child.

The weight of her words felt like it was tearing a piece from her heart, threatening to spill from her mouth. Overwhelmed by the explosion of emotion, Yeon-joo’s expression crumbled.

“…I’m sorry.”

*I’m sorry. I know I should only let you hear beautiful things.*

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry… Mommy’s so sorry… Mommy is, Mommy is…”

The word ‘Mommy,’ coming from her own lips, sounded so foreign and painful that she couldn't finish her sentence, her shoulders shaking.

“I’m sorry… Mommy will do better…”

*Farewell. I hope you resent me for a long time, but only hurt for a little while.*

*No, I’m not even worth resenting for long. I hope you’ll bask in your shining moments, shake me off, and quickly get back on your feet.*

“So let’s let Daddy go… Mommy will be enough for both of us… I will… I will…”

*I know I was loved enough. So you can live a selfish life.*

*I hope you protect your own brilliant world.*

*I’ll protect our precious child.*

“Mommy… will do a really good job, I’m sorry… To you… I’m so sorry to you…”

*Farewell. Thank you for the time we had.*

“I won’t cry anymore… Mommy will just cry today… and then I won’t cry anymore…”

*I still love you.*

“I won’t cry… I’ll stop crying now, Mommy will stop…”

Today—he became a star to the world—

And she became the mother of a star.