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Translator: Vine
Chapter: 21
Chapter Title: How Could I Regret This
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Han-byeol, who had been engaged in a hellish back-and-forth with Eun-seong without yielding a single word, began his practice.

His turn came only after the main actor's filming was done, so he had to wait alone for quite a while, but the child expressed no particular complaints or boredom.

Yeon-joo, who had been busy all day, heard the news about Han-byeol and made her way to the set. It was Han-byeol who would be standing before the camera, but she was the one whose fingertips had been trembling with nervousness since the morning.

“Yeon-joo!”

As she hurried along, Dr. Joo appeared from the opposite direction.

“Where are you headed?”

“Hello, Doctor. I heard Han-byeol is having his camera test. I was just on my way there.”

“Ah, is that so?”

Saying it was perfect timing, Dr. Joo fell into step beside her, suggesting they go to the set together. Dr. Joo smiled as he matched her pace, which was slightly faster than usual.

“You're worried, aren't you?”

“My mind is a complete mess. I'm not the one doing it, so I don't know why I'm so nervous.”

“He'll do great. Han-byeol is a wonderful kid, just like his mother.”

As if to calm her fluttering emotions, Dr. Joo spoke, and Yeon-joo let out a short, sharp breath.

Glancing at Dr. Joo walking diligently beside her, Yeon-joo offered a neat smile.

“I'm glad you're here with me, Doctor. If I had gone alone, my legs might have given out from shaking.”

“Then I suppose I'll have to show up more often. To keep you from stumbling each time.”

Yeon-joo, who had been walking without much thought, stopped dead in her tracks.

Then I suppose I'll have to show up more often.

…She hadn't wanted to hope for things like the kindness and consideration of others, whose intentions she couldn't fathom.

To keep you from stumbling each time.

This man, who had suddenly appeared in her life one day, felt like an umbrella on a rainy day.

“This way, Yeon-joo.”

“Ah, yes. Doctor.”

An umbrella.

Someone who couldn't stop the source of misfortune but could offer a temporary shelter from it.

He was a truly kind person. Right, the doctor was just someone who was kind to everyone.

Yeon-joo smiled brightly at the gesturing Dr. Joo and followed him. She felt as if her heart, which had been floating aimlessly, was finally settling back into place.

*

The atmosphere on set wasn't very bright, and the work-worn staff moved about dryly around Han-byeol.

Standing alone before the camera, Han-byeol's large eyes darted around, surveying the space. Everyone seemed busy with their own tasks, so there was no one to ask how long he had to stay like this.

From the way he kept his lips tightly shut and his small fists clenched, it was clear he was intimidated and nervous. It was a space with no other children his age, and it was only natural for him to be frightened with all the impassive, detached adults coming and going.

Han-byeol, standing there like a lost child on a crowded street, looked up as a shadow fell over him.

“Hey, One-Star. You looked ready to devour everyone in the waiting room, but now you're scared, huh?”

It was the man who paid his filial duty with money.

He hadn't realized it when he was sitting, but the man was very tall when he stood up. He had to crane his neck way back just to meet his eyes, so Han-byeol tilted his face up as far as it would go.

“No, I'm not. I'm not scared.”

“Right, right. You look like you're about to cry, but I'll pretend I didn't see that.”

When Eun-seong mimicked his expression, pursing his lips ridiculously, Han-byeol glared. The boy's timid mood from moments before changed in an instant.

“I'm not scared at all!”

“Who said you were? If you're not, you're not. Why are you getting mad?”

“You just said something! I'm not scared at all!”

“Oof, but your hands are shaking like crazy. Are you sure you're okay?”

As Eun-seong glanced down, telling him to look at his own hands, Han-byeol stealthily unclenched his fists. Han-byeol, who hadn't even realized he'd been clenching his fists out of sheer nervousness, felt his earlobes turn red.

Not wanting to lose to this man who paid his filial duty with money, he straightened his shoulders. Then he straightened his back and put on a confident expression.

“See? I'm not scared at all.”

At that, Eun-seong let out a faint smile.

“Yeah. Don't be scared. It's no big deal.”

As if to say he was doing well, Eun-seong ruffled Han-byeol's hair. In his own way, he was patting him on the head.

“You know, right? That I'm your dad.”

“…”

He knew, but for some reason, the words wouldn't come out, so Han-byeol remained silent. The word ‘Dad’ suddenly made his heart pound, and he didn't want anyone to notice.

Eun-seong bent one knee and knelt, as if to match his height. Only then did their eyes meet, and Han-byeol saw the man's face directly in front of him.

…For a moment, an indescribable energy passed between them.

It was like looking into a mirror, or perhaps peeking into a place somewhere between the past, present, and future.

“Until this shoot is over, I'm going to think of you as my son. While we're acting, while I'm resting at home, even in moments like this.”

“Why do you have to do that?”

“Because to act, you have to truly become that person. That's why it's difficult and hard, but it's also fun. It's a chance to live someone else's life during filming.”

He sort of understood, but not quite. It was difficult.

His grumpy expression vanished, replaced by a look of seriousness on Han-byeol's face. He really didn't like the man-who-pays-filial-duty-with-money, but he already knew that this man was a great actor.

So he had to learn whatever he could when he was being taught. Except for things like how to pay your filial duty with money.

“So, what should you do now? Answer me.”

“…”

Han-byeol hesitated again. He was so shy and awkward that the word ‘Dad’ just rolled around in his mouth, refusing to come out.

Perhaps it was because it was a word he had rarely ever uttered in his life.

“Still don't get it? Should I wait?”

“That's not it.”

“Then who am I?”

“…Dad.”

Watching Han-byeol speak so softly it was almost inaudible, Eun-seong let out a small laugh. At that, Han-byeol, who had been looking at the floor, lifted his head and met his gaze again.

Eun-seong placed a hand on Han-byeol's shoulder, then caressed his cheek, and then his head.

It was a completely different feeling from when he had ruffled his hair moments before.

“Right. For the time being, I'm your dad.”

“Yes…”

“Let's get along. Son.”

Before Han-byeol could reply, Eun-seong stood up straight and surprised the set by offering to assist with the child's camera test himself.

Yeon-joo, who had already arrived, watched the scene from a distance.

*

How could I regret this?

By the time she and Dr. Joo arrived on set, Eun-seong was already standing in front of Han-byeol.

Upon seeing the unexpected two-shot, Yeon-joo froze on the spot, and Dr. Joo, unaware of the situation, stopped beside her.

“Seeing as it's still chaotic, it looks like they haven't started yet. Right?”

“…”

It felt as if a cacophony of unknown noises was blocking her ears. Dr. Joo's voice, though right beside her, faded away, and the chaotic atmosphere of the set was erased.

Her eyes could only see her child and him.

Eun-seong seemed to say a few words to the child, and a moment later, as he slowly bent his knees to kneel, Yeon-joo's breath hitched.

She couldn't even tell if the scene was real or a hallucination—

“Seeing them like this, Han-byeol looks a bit like Im Eun-seong. I guess handsome people have something in common.”

When he stroked the child's shoulder, his face, his head, it felt as if the ground beneath her was splitting apart to swallow her whole.

After watching Eun-seong gaze into the child's face at eye level for a long time, Yeon-joo squeezed her eyes shut.

…No. Open your eyes.

This moment, this sight… you don't know when you'll ever see it again.

So open your eyes. Look. Don't miss it while you can; burn it into your memory.

Yeon-joo fought back the burning sensation with all her might and forced her eyelids open. And then, the image of him and the child looking at each other was painfully seared into her eyes.

…He's smiling.

As the sight of him sharing a smile with the child once again filled her pupils, the scenery began to change.

The place where the father and son stood seemed like a vast field where a whistling wind, the kind the child loved, blew—

Or like a silvery sand beach, wet with water, where seashells glittered before the waves.

“Yeon-joo. It looks like they're about to start. I'm getting nervous myself.”

Were they a father and son playing under the sun, where the heat rose in a shimmering haze from the ground? Or were they patting down mounds of dirt, trying to build a sandcastle?

Or perhaps, were they about to walk as one along a sunset path, the son riding on his father's shoulders?

Am I, perhaps, dreaming?

This affectionate sight, this cozy and warm scene—is there no way for even me to enter it? Is there no way for me to squeeze in somewhere, as if the three of us had been together from the very beginning?

…Her chest swelled, but there was nothing else she could do.

“Are you okay, Yeon-joo?”

What if I were to say this to you?

I wanted us to hold our toddling child's hands, one on each side. Or to watch together as he ran ahead of us.

Sometimes I wanted to lean on you, sometimes I wanted to rely on you. It was so hard and overwhelming while the child was growing up, but seeing him grow was also so beautiful and precious that, sometimes, I missed you.

I wanted to tell you to look. To see how beautiful our child is. To see how much our child has already grown.

“Yeon-joo?”

Yes. Perhaps the reason I brought our child into this perilous place was because I thought it might be the last chance.

Using my child's dream as an excuse, adding a stubbornness that dared to defy fate, perhaps that's how I came this far.

Because I wanted to see it, just once. The sight of your child and mine—no, *our* child—standing together, just one single time.

Because I wanted to engrave it in my eyes, if only for a single moment.

“…”

Eun-seong noticed Yeon-joo and told Han-byeol his mom was here, and the child turned around. He smiled beautifully and waved, so Yeon-joo forced a smile in return.

As if feeling awkward just standing there, he also raised a hand in a slight greeting. Yeon-joo's lips parted slightly at the sight of the child and him standing side by side, waving at her.

Beeep—a ringing filled her ears, and she bit her lip hard.

What am I to do with this sight? What am I to do with this memory?

I feel as though I can no longer return to my former life.

…She mustered her courage and waved back.

Forgetting time and space, erasing seasons and age, in that moment I fell into the illusion that I had stepped inside the same fence as them.

She waved awkwardly before slowly lowering her hand. She wanted this moment, this feeling, to last a little longer, but at the same time, she wanted to hurry back to reality.

As her hand dropped, she finally returned to reality. She began to feel the movement of people, and the noise that had been like a ringing in her ears started to sound clear.

Only then did she slowly close her eyes.

She stood still and took a long breath, as if saving everything she had just seen in her heart.

…Do you know what you have just done?

Do you expect your life to be safe after committing such an act?

If a wrathful god were to appear and condemn me, I would gladly accept the harsh scolding.

If they were to punish me, saying I could never be forgiven, never be understood, I would willingly accept it.

I would not refuse; I would willingly walk into the fires of hell. I would joyfully bear a punishment that lasts for eternity.

This was enough.

For me, this was enough.