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Translator: Vine
Chapter: 9
Chapter Title: I Thought I Was the Protagonist
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When I came to, I was dazed at first.
The hazy view that came into focus was a familiar space.
My bedroom.
My body's condition was the worst, so I couldn't tell what was what.
‘What is this strange sense of wrongness?'
"Miss, you're awake?"
The worried voice pulled my dazed mind back to reality.
Reflexively, I searched for the source of the voice, and my eyes met the Nanny's, who was looking at me with pity.
"Are you okay? Does anything hurt?"
Only after hearing the question did I realize that my whole body ached.
"Nanny, ugh......"
I opened my mouth wanting to whine like usual, but my throat hurt so much I had to close it again.
'Why am I in this state?'
"Don't talk. They said the inside of your throat is badly inflamed."
With those words, the Nanny helped me sit up to drink some water.
The lukewarm water burned as it went down my throat.
I shook my head because it was too hard to drink more, and she took the cup away.
Swallowing the remaining water made my face scrunch up involuntarily from the pain.
The Nanny's finger rose to smooth out the furrow between my brows.
And the gentle stroking of her palm over my forehead felt so good that I stayed still.
It felt like the pain was fading wherever her touch reached.
I let all the tension drain from my body and surrendered to her touch languidly.
I started to feel drowsy.
"Miss, do you remember anything?"
'Huh? What memory all of a sudden?'
I opened my heavy eyelids. The Nanny's gaze was cautious.
As if gauging my condition, her demeanor made me rack my brains, and I recalled the situation right before I collapsed.
"!"
That humiliating scene of vomiting everything up in front of Crown Prince Luciano!
'No way! Tell me it was a dream!'
Unable to speak, I opened my eyes wide and desperately moved my lips without sound.
Reading my mind, the Nanny slowly shook her head with a sorrowful expression.
'Did I really do something like that?'
"I went to the prince's palace and brought you back after you collapsed."
Her expression said my state had been indescribable, and all strength left my body.
Even as she stroked my head, it brought no comfort.
To think that whole thing had really happened.
To do something like that right in front of Crown Prince Luciano!
It felt like the world had ended.
Was this what it meant to die of shame?
I'd overestimated this child's body too much.
I was foolish for thinking I could grit my teeth and endure like I could as an adult.
I wanted to pull the covers over my head and kick my legs wildly right then.
Unfortunately, my condition was too poor to even muster the energy.
At least I'd made it home while unconscious. That was fortunate.
I should be grateful that I didn't have to face Crown Prince Luciano the moment I opened my eyes.
I didn't have the confidence to look him in the face right after showing him something like that.
'What do I do......'
My head felt like it would burst from the shame and despair.
I didn't want to know anything.
First, since my condition was the worst, I needed to rest a bit and think later.
I took the Nanny's hand, who was looking at me worriedly, and placed it on my head.
Understanding my intent, she gently stroked my hair.
"It'll all be okay."
Yes, just like the Nanny said, it would all be okay.
Her kind touch made all sorts of stray thoughts melt away, so I closed my eyes.
* * *
That incident was quite a shock to me too.
Not just anyone could experience vomiting everything up in front of someone while fully conscious.
Maybe that's why, even as time passed, the urge to die from embarrassment kept surfacing.
Not that I was actually going to die, of course.
Still, I couldn't help the deep sighs that escaped now and then, or the maddening urge to burrow under the covers.
I wanted to dig a hole in the ground and hide in it.
I needed some alone time for the embarrassment to subside.
But I couldn't have that.
"Espin, my dear. Have you been resting well?"
My mother entered the room and called to me.
"Mother!"
"How upsetting. Call me Mom."
My mother said it as if she were hurt.
I just smiled, and she came over to stroke my cheek.
"Is your body feeling a bit better?"
"Yes, I'm okay now."
"Good, don't overdo it, alright?"
Knowing the worry behind her kind words, I just smiled at her.
After hugging me, she held my hand tightly.
"You've been staying home lately. Aren't you bored?"
"No. I'm busy reading books and studying."
It was a time full of thoughts, but I had no time to wallow in self-recrimination over my huge blunder.
The fact that I'd gone to the prince's palace and been carried back had shocked my parents so much that the whole house was in an uproar.
"Dear, are you okay? Even if he's a prince, how could he do this?"
My mother shed tears, and my father clenched his fists, suppressing his emotions.
It seemed like they might ignore that the other party was royalty and explode in anger.
"I'm fine. It was my mistake."
So I had to say I was okay.
"Dear......"
"I'm really fine. Don't worry."
Only after I repeated that I was okay several times did the two of them calm down.
But even so, unable to fully relax, my mother checked on me frequently.
And when I finally got out of bed, she cautiously brought it up.
"Dear, you won't go visit the prince again, right?"
My heart wanted to say yes.
After that incident, I had no confidence to face Crown Prince Luciano again.
But strangely, I couldn't answer easily.
It was as if someone had sealed my mouth; no words came out.
At that, my mother gave me a look as if she'd expected as much, full of mixed feelings.
"I'm not forcing you. Take your time to decide. Do whatever you want."
My mother spoke softly as she embraced me.
Receiving this warm affection made me grateful, but also sorry.
I couldn't shake the feeling that I'd stolen their beloved daughter.
I didn't know how I'd ended up possessed, or where the real Espin had gone.
There was no guarantee I'd return to my original self, nor any assurance the real Espin would come back.
Realizing that, I just felt sorry to Espin's parents.
I didn't want to disappoint these good people.
All I could do was repay them with sincerity.
With that, I renewed my resolve to live.
And receiving the full attention and love from those worried about me helped me accept the possession somewhat more easily.
I calmed down quickly, but my parents did not.
The incident of me being carried back from the prince's palace seemed to have shocked them terribly.
They even seemed worried that Crown Prince Luciano might have tormented me on purpose.
So I had to act even more okay.
Rather than holing up in my room, I showed some vitality by doing little things bit by bit.
But even that worried my mother, it seemed.
"Your body isn't better yet, and you're already starting to study?"
"I'm fine. I'm not overdoing it."
Seeing her face cloud with worry, I quickly explained.
"You still don't look well."
"No, I really am fine. You know I've been eating well now."
Still, her expression didn't soften.
This time, I patted the back of her hand and reassured her repeatedly that I was okay.
We chatted briefly, and then my mother left.
"Our miss has grown up so much."
The Nanny, who had seen me reassuring my mother, said admiringly.
"Of course. I'm all grown up now."
When I shot back, the Nanny let out a low chuckle.
It seemed like a peaceful time, in my own way.
But human memory is a mysterious thing.
Happy, joyful memories fade easily, while that awful, humiliating mistake remained vividly etched.
Whenever I had time alone, that horrific scene came back to me.
Crown Prince Luciano, who had only ever shown an icy expression, had opened his eyes wide in shock.
Come to think of it, I felt sorry to him in a different way.
I'd left him with such a traumatic memory.
It was such a shocking event that it might stay in his memory forever.
'Every time he thinks of me, he'll picture me going ugh.'
......I realized it was impossible to end up with Crown Prince Luciano.
I cleanly gave up on any future with him.
No matter how shameless I was, I couldn't keep playing the sunshine heroine after him seeing me like that.
Crown Prince Luciano probably didn't want to see me anymore either.
Ending it like this and erasing each other's memories seemed best.
I'd come to that conclusion while resting from my illness, and once I recovered, I wrote a letter to Crown Prince Luciano.
[Dearest Crown Prince Luciano.
It's been a while since I last contacted you.
I should have sent a letter of apology and thanks beforehand, but please forgive me for reaching out only now due to my poor condition.
First, my thanks.
Thank you for sending me home after I collapsed.
And I'm sorry for displeasing you with unnecessary gifts.
There was truly no impure intent.
I'm truly sorry for showing you such an unsightly side that day.
I hope you erase that horrific incident from your memory and enjoy peaceful days.
Finally, I'm truly sorry for bothering you all this time.
I don't know how you'll feel, but I was happy in my own way during our time together.
If I've ever upset you, please understand with magnanimity.
I won't bother you anymore.
Sincerely, Espin Samuel—who is too ashamed to lift her head]
I sent that letter.
Now, there would be no reason for me to meet Crown Prince Luciano.
Our meetings had only happened because I'd clung to his coattails.
If I didn't reach out, we'd never meet again.
It was that tenuous a connection.
As expected, no reply came after two days.
It really was over.
I'd half-hoped for a 'take care' response.
My relationship with Crown Prince Luciano was neatly concluded.
Clinging to something already ended wasn't my style.
Just live diligently in reality.
No more avoiding it.
Don't take life lightly just because it's a possession.
Then that shameful memory would fade too.
Making that vow, the very next day, an invitation arrived for me.
[Dearest Espin Samuel.
The fresh spring breeze fills these days.
To mark this fine occasion, I plan a modest tea party at the imperial palace in one week.
I hope you can attend if possible.
Isabel Frederick]
It was an invitation in Imperial Consort Isabel's name herself—one I couldn't possibly refuse.
I Thought I Was the Protagonist
