Chapter 7
#07
“So, you weren’t digging into my past.”
Thanks to the headmaster's consideration, Ricardo and I were able to talk alone in the headmaster's office.
Although I had to be served that foul-tasting tea again, it didn't matter since I didn't have to drink it.
“Of course not.”
He seemed to think I had investigated him.
Like the dog story last time, he thought I had come here knowing he attended this orphanage.
I had ordered an investigation into Ricardo's future lover, not Ricardo himself, so I could confidently say no.
“Sorry.”
Even his apology was simple. I wondered how he could apologize so easily.
He was the young master of a Duke's family, higher in status than me, and a future Duke.
“I misunderstood you.”
“It’s okay.”
I was the one who received the apology, but somehow I didn't feel relieved.
“But suddenly thinking of sponsoring the orphanage is unexpected. I thought the Croford Family had no interest in charity?”
“This is my personal interest.”
“Yours?”
Ricardo looked at me as if he was truly surprised.
“…I see.”
There were many question marks in his eyes as he looked at me, but he didn't ask me any questions.
He just waited for the question marks to erode into his black pupils.
“Is the Wincaiser Dukedom sponsoring this orphanage?”
I asked, remembering the headmaster mentioning three opportunities in his life.
Sponsorship from the Wincaiser Family was enough to be called an opportunity in life.
“No. I am also personally sponsoring this place.”
“Judging by the fact that Lara calls you ‘oppa,’ you must come here quite often?”
“Yes. Except for the headmaster, the children don't know that I am a noble or the heir to a Dukedom. Maybe the older children have vaguely noticed.”
Only then did I realize that Ricardo's attire today was a little more casual than usual. It was just a white shirt and pants.
Of course, if you looked closely, it was a custom-made product with neat finishing and high-quality materials, but at first glance, it could look simple.
“They just see me as a knight who knows how to handle a sword. I teach the boys here swordsmanship.”
“Swordsmanship?”
“Yes. There are quite a few commoners in the royal guard. Reaching a high position would be difficult, but if they become knights, they can receive a salary from the country and live a stable life.”
Rather than giving money, he was teaching them how to earn money? It was definitely a future-oriented help rather than a temporary handout.
If they learned from Ricardo, a famous swordsman in the empire, the children's skills would be quite useful.
Moreover, if he wrote a letter of recommendation, joining the royal guard he just mentioned wouldn't be too difficult.
With a recommendation from the captain of the royal guard, who would dare refuse their admission?
“That’s a good idea.”
I nodded and replied.
“What about the girls? Do they also learn swordsmanship?”
“I teach it to the girls who want to learn, but it's honestly difficult for girls to become knights. The children know that, so they're not very interested.”
“Then what are the girls’ career paths?”
I said, thinking of Lara and the older sister who gave the egg to that child.
“I’m a layman in that area… According to the headmaster, they usually get married when they get older or go to the city to work. They don't have any particular skills, so they'll probably do odd jobs.”
“I see.”
The image of young Lara suffering as a day laborer flashed in my mind, and suddenly my heart ached.
My unnecessarily vivid imagination even conjured up an image of Lara doing laundry in cold water with her hands red and frozen on a cold winter day.
…She's just a stranger, a child I met for the first time today, but why does my heart ache?
“It feels unfair. Boys have the opportunity to become knights, but girls are just day laborers.”
“Do you think so?”
“Am I wrong?”
“Becoming a knight, wielding a sword, is harder than you think. I think it's hard for girls to handle.”
“Because women are weak?”
“No. Because girls have more empathy. War is a terrible thing. Blood is shed, people die, the place becomes ruins, and the survivors wail. It's hard for someone with high empathy to endure.”
Ricardo turned his gaze out the window. It was the pose I often saw, with the dry eyes that looked like they would rustle.
“I can still see the horrors clearly. I even dream about them sometimes.”
I didn't know.
I didn't know that Ricardo, who seemed so strong on the outside, was still suffering thinking about that time.
“The most terrible thing is thinking that the person I killed was someone's lover and someone's father. It's even more terrible to think that the remaining lover, wife, and child will look for him and shed tears.”
Ricardo's voice, reciting dryly, was as arid as a desert. He looked so precarious that I thought he might dry up and scatter in the wind.
He had never shown me this side of himself before.
“So, I sponsor this place as a form of atonement and teach the children swordsmanship. It's ironic to tell the children to become knights while saying that war is terrible, but that's the only skill I have.”
Ricardo said with a self-deprecating smile.
He seemed to regret teaching the children swordsmanship.
Maybe he regretted his entire life.
He looked so precarious that I couldn't help but reach out and hug his shoulder.
“Bianca?”
I moved without realizing it. There was no other way to explain it.
I didn't hug his shoulder, but I reached out and held Ricardo's hand. So that he wouldn't be blown away by the wind.
“……”
I couldn't say anything.
I couldn't know what scenery he was looking at.
Having not seen the horrors of war, I had no idea how terrible the scenery was, how heartbreaking it was.
Without knowing anything, I couldn't just say things like, "It's okay," or "It's not your fault."
That was a lie, hypocrisy.
I didn't want to say that to Ricardo.
“I don’t know what to say.”
I confessed honestly. However, I was frustrated.
I was frustrated that I didn't know the scenery he was looking at, that I couldn't empathize with him, and that I couldn't say anything to him.
Have you always been like this?
Even while talking to people, did you think of that terrible scene at that time?
Was that always visible beyond the window you were looking at?
Is that why you always had such a dull expression and dry eyes?
“Just… I… I mean……”
The elocution training I had received since childhood was useless, and I was stuttering.
“Thank you.”
It was the first time I had heard Ricardo say thank you.
No matter how much I praised him at the banquet, no matter how much I dressed up for the dance with him, no matter how much effort I made to become the future Duchess, I had never heard those words.
But just by holding his hand, I heard him say thank you.
I hadn't done anything that great, and I was confused as to whether I deserved to hear these words.
“I think I saw a new side of you today, Bianca.”
“I think I had the longest conversation with you today as well.”
“Is that so?”
“Yes.”
And a slightly awkward silence flowed. It was a different kind of silence than usual.
I was worried about what to say, but it felt awkward to say nothing.
I felt a tickling in my heart and an itch on my lips.
It was like meeting a stranger in an unfamiliar place. But I was embarrassed because I didn't dislike the feeling.
“Lord Wendsbury is hosting a ball.”
I opened my mouth with a safe topic that I had barely found. Only then did the awkward atmosphere disappear, and the feeling that had been tickling my lips disappeared.
“Is that so?”
“He’s hosting it next week, and he told me in advance. He told me to come and brighten up the place.”
“If he says so, I have to go. The invitation may already be there when I get home.”
“Maybe.”
“I’ll pick you up on time.”
“Okay.”
It was a conversation with similar content to usual.
I felt quite stable in the familiar conversation with Ricardo. And at the same time, I missed the feeling that had been tickling my heart a little while ago.
Good but not good.
Hateful but not hateful.
Two emotions that could not coexist were intertwined and tumbling inside me.
“Let’s get up now.”
Ricardo got up first, and I waited for him to reach out and lift me up.
His hand was extended in front of my eyes, and Ricardo's hand, which I held for the second time today, was warmer than ever.
When he took my hand and escorted me to the door, my heart strangely fluttered.
It was Ricardo's hand that I had held countless times, and his escort was nothing new, but I felt something different now.
“Bianca?”
“……”
“Bianca?”
“…Yes?”
“Your face looks a little red? Do you have a fever?”
Ricardo's other hand came to my cheek.
I felt the roughness of his large, calloused hand on my face. It wasn't a pleasant sensation.
But strangely, I couldn't tell him to remove his hand.
I just quietly felt his hand stay on my cheek and looked up at Ricardo.
His eyes were different. They weren't the dry eyes he had when he was with me before. It wasn't the gaze he had when he was looking out the window.
He was staring straight at me.
He wasn't looking at something beyond me, he wasn't looking at me with indifferent eyes, he was definitely looking straight at me.
Suddenly, my heart started beating fast.
Is this a good sign?
Or is it a bad sign?
