Chapter 25
Negative emotions become all the more consuming the more they dig in.
To erase the painful afterimages cluttering my mind, I plopped down into the chair across from Lu.
“Thanks to you, I survived.”
Fortunately, my voice didn’t tremble. Lu glanced at me and replied indifferently.
“The melted ice cream would’ve wanted to hear that greeting too.”
“……You threw it away?”
“I gave it to the National Peace Institute administrator. Both of them.”
So the other voice I’d heard before passing out belonged to the National Peace Institute administrator.
“You didn’t eat any, Lu?”
“It would’ve been nice, but I had to carry someone home.”
He sure knew how to brag.
But since it was a situation where I couldn’t argue even if he did, I meekly nodded.
Thud. He closed the book and tossed it onto the table, then met my eyes with a light smile.
“I’m pretty sure I told you to sit quietly in the chair and wait, right?”
The smile forming in the darkness was chillingly eerie.
It perfectly blended with the unique dark, glamorous aura of his features, giving off the vibe that he’d grab a tool any second and bash my head in while snarling, ‘I don’t need a dog that won’t listen!’
So I answered even more meekly.
“I owe you one.”
“A lot of people owe me. Few pay up.”
“I won’t stiff you, so don’t worry.”
“If you give me reason to expect it, then I won’t have to worry.”
Not backing down even an inch, this guy. Should I thank him for not expecting anything? Yeah?
“Seemed like you needed someone to watch over you while you were out, so I brought you to my place. Head home on your own when it’s a reasonable hour.”
“You’ve been staying in this room the whole time because of me?”
“Not me. The servants.”
Servants…
The curve of Lu’s lips deepened.
“Yeah, that trash our cute little Miss Daisy dumped on me.”
I pretended not to hear.
“The Head Maid doesn’t know what happened today, so don’t let anything slip by mistake.”
This time, I couldn’t pretend not to hear.
“What lie did you tell her?”
“That Miss Daisy isn’t reflecting on the incident from a few days ago and tried to bury someone alive again today, so she’s in special training?”
“Lu. Lu, just hearing you talk like that makes all my gratitude vanish and leaves me furious.”
He shrugged with a what-can-you-do face and picked up his book again.
I waited for his next words, but he quietly immersed himself in reading. It was an unexpected attitude.
‘I figured he’d ask about my past too.’
I’d even prepared a vague answer: that I’d done a short stint as a boy soldier.
But Lu didn’t seem interested in that at all.
‘Or maybe he’s being considerate?’
A warm-hearted Lu who cares for others.
It really doesn’t suit him. Let’s go with him just being genuinely uninterested.
There was only one thing he seemed interested in.
『Continent’s Seven Great Mysteries: Treasure Edition for Children』
I quietly glared at the cover of the book he was poring over.
Most likely, Lu was searching for Dian Ket’s relic. What he planned to do with it was his personal business, none of mine.
What mattered was that Lu had the ability to distinguish Dian Ket’s relics, and he’d already found the one hidden in Weatherwoods Mansion.
“You came to Weatherwoods Mansion for Dian Ket’s relic, right?”
He neither confirmed nor denied it.
“You gonna steal it?”
A cold curve drew across Lu’s lips.
“I’m pretty sure I said I’d tell you once all the flowers bloom. Planning to play dumb and mooch off me?”
Maybe it was the atmosphere of the night, or maybe because I’d received help from Lu again this time. Either way, I voiced my honest feelings.
“I’m just curious.”
Half of it from worrying whether this guy would interfere with my plans.
The other half from simple curiosity about Lu himself.
He looked up again. Unlike before, his expression seemed a bit more serious.
“Just in case, I’ll say it now. Don’t fall for me.”
“…….”
“Don’t fall in love either. You’ll only end up hurting yourself.”
“When the hell are you gonna stop with that crazy talk?”
Lu let out a small laugh. It was much warmer than before.
“I’ve got one question too. Do you go through stuff like today often?”
My lips pressed shut automatically. I hadn’t expected him to dive in like that out of nowhere.
‘……Often?’
It was a question I couldn’t easily answer with ‘yes’ or ‘no.’
The world had seen four years of peace since the war’s end, but I’d only been awake for not even two months.
So today’s hallucination could’ve been one that came once every two months, or it could’ve been the last one I’d ever have—one that came after a year, two years, or a lifetime.
“This is the first time.”
“What about nightmares?”
“Those started recently too.”
“Any recent painful events that could’ve triggered hallucinations and nightmares for you?”
“Hmm.”
“Or conversely, any joyful events that could’ve made you forget about hallucinations and nightmares in a short time?”
“Hmm.”
“You don’t seem to have answers for anything.”
“I’m not sure if anything like that happened.”
“Taking control of your life starts with knowing yourself. Think back on what’s happened to you lately. And how those things affected you.”
“…….”
“A life without worries. A life without insight. It might seem easy and happy, but in reality, it’s no different from throwing your soul into the trash. An empty soul that neither fills nor empties is as good as nonexistent.”
His steady voice stirred no small waves in my heart.
‘Taking control of your life starts with knowing yourself.’
For someone like me with little formal education, it was profoundly difficult advice.
It had been the same when I first learned the sword.
I never had a proper swordmaster.
I’d picked up a weapon solely with the resolve to slay the great mage Mephisto and the demons—my little brother’s enemies—and honed my blade ruthlessly to become a ghost-slayer.
“Dig into the most essential elements first. Then, no realm will be unattainable.”
Fortunately, the battlefield was full of heroes, and their advice to me was always the same.
With no prior learning, I overcame walls with that one truth.
Thus, knowing the essence is something I can confidently say I’m best at.
So let’s start by digging into the essence.
‘Taking control of your life starts with knowing yourself.’
What am I?
Me, Daisy Farger.
Once known as Anderter Farger, a man.
And even longer ago—a woman called Farger.
But can I truly know myself just from names?
‘Daisy.’
A dime-a-dozen name all over the empire.
I’d chosen it precisely because I didn’t want to imbue it with any special meaning.
Normally, when naming something, you pour meaning and affection into it. That affection breeds a sense of responsibility toward the being.
Yet with this slapdash fake name, I’d gone over a month just fine. No nightmares, no hallucinations.
Why? What had sustained me? The answer wasn’t hard to find.
I was happy being a maid.
I enjoyed cleaning the mansion.
Filling my days without slaying demons, meeting people, becoming part of society—it made me happy. Sweeping floors, washing curtains, running errands, and being recognized for my role—it made me happy.
And above all, what delighted me most was living as Daisy, not Anderter.
But the peace was short-lived.
Ten days after settling into Weatherwoods Mansion, the nightmares began.
Arms of dead soldiers sticking to me, denying the name Anderter.
In just ten days, something had rippled my calm.
‘Probably the cause.’
The punch I’d thrown at the pub.
No, I was certain.
Each time I used violence, hot blood surged through my body. The sense of liberation dominating my mind even loosened my sluggish tongue temporarily, didn’t it?
It was only when crushing what I deemed evil that I felt whole.
That the fourteen years I’d lived as Anderter weren’t denied.
Now I realized it.
I’m hopelessly duplicitous.
I want to live as Daisy, not Anderter, yet I crave validation for the past I lived as Anderter.
What a despicably lowly maid I am.
The second ripple was even rougher.
Not just nightmares—hallucinations crashed in too.
‘The cause, definitely.’
The National Peace Institute.
The moment I saw that unmarked grave there.
Regret came crashing over me like a wave, swallowing me whole.
The faces of comrades whose names I hadn’t asked for rose up.
Names I hadn’t asked for because I didn’t want to feel the loss after they were gone—faces I couldn’t memorialize because I hadn’t asked—bloomed one by one in my mind.
Why hadn’t I asked their names?
If I had, wouldn’t that grave have borne its owner’s name too?
Fourteen years later, bitter regret finally hit me. Guilt plunged me into nightmares and made me wander through hallucinations.
So I…
Suddenly, I thought of the tender sprout neatly blooming in the flowerpot.
I recalled the moment I’d wandered the market just to see that sprout.
