Chapter 2
2. I Saved the Words "I Love You"2021.05.05.
I have to say it. I have to, but the next words wouldn't come out, so Jeong-o bit her lip.
“You said you had something to say. Say it.”
Ji-heon urged her on as she hesitated. His eyes still hadn't calmed down. Eyes burning with a man's desire, unable to resist wanting her. She could clearly feel his determination to satisfy his desires without fail after hearing everything she had to say. Like the Little Mermaid who had lost her voice, she gaped a few times before finally blurting out something completely irrelevant.
“……I’m hungry.”
“……”
It was a nonsensical statement, but it was definitely effective. His gaze, which had been fixed on her as if to trap her, loosened. You said you weren't going to eat. Did you change your mind that quickly? And now? As if rebelling against his accusing gaze, Jeong-o added a few more words.
“I’m hungry. I’m hungry. I’m hungry.”
“……Hoo. I wondered why you were skipping a meal for once.”
In the end, Ji-heon surrendered to her nagging and got up.
“Okay. Let’s eat. What should I make for you?”
Ji-heon asked, opening the refrigerator door. Jeong-o also scurried over to Ji-heon's side and looked inside the refrigerator. She felt like she could endure the smell well enough now. Kimchi pancake with dongchimi broth would be perfect.
“Kimchi pancake.”
“Okay. Sit down.”
Ji-heon rolled up his sleeves without hesitation. It was her house, but he came and went often enough that he knew his way around. No, this small kitchen in the Studio apartment was practically Ji-heon's personal space. Kimchi pancake wasn't a difficult dish for him. Ji-heon quickly made the batter and poured a ladleful into a greased frying pan. The sound of the batter hitting the hot oil already made her mouth water. It was as if the nausea she had felt earlier was a lie, and Jeong-o felt hungry. Ji-heon checked that the bottom of the batter was evenly cooked, then grabbed the handle of the frying pan and lifted it. With a flick of his wrist, he flipped the batter over. In the blink of an eye, the golden-brown bottom of the batter was facing up.
“Wow. It’s amazing no matter how many times I see it.”
Jeong-o exclaimed in admiration at his magical skill. As if responding to her compliment, he flipped it once more. Another exclamation followed. A happier daily life than fulfilling carnal desires. Not that carnal desires would disappear, though. The two sat facing each other at a small table, eating kimchi pancake with dongchimi. It tasted as good as it looked. Ji-heon, who had been quietly watching Jeong-o happily munching, touched her forehead again.
“How do you feel now?”
“Yeah… I’m okay. I was okay from the beginning.”
Jeong-o changed her mind once her appetite returned. Maybe it was because she wasn't feeling nauseous, but she felt a little stronger. She felt like she could go to the hospital by herself. Let's talk about it when it's confirmed. It's okay.
“I should get going now.”
Not long after finishing their meal, Ji-heon got up from his seat.
“Already?”
“Yeah. I have something to do.”
The words that he had something to do weren't an excuse. Whether the meeting was short or long, it was always a shame to part with a lover. But she couldn't keep him for long. Jeong-o, who had gotten up to follow him, picked up his coat. And while he wasn't looking, she secretly put tangerines in his coat pocket. And then she tried to hand it to him.
“Here’s your coat. Thank yo–”
“What’s this?”
The thank you didn't make it to the end. The pregnancy test was in his hand. She thought she had carefully placed them in the desk drawer, but she hadn't hidden one of the four properly. Jeong-o snatched the test from Ji-heon's hand and hurriedly put it back in the desk drawer. But alas. That was an even bigger mistake. Ji-heon reopened the drawer. And he found three more tests similar to the one he had found. She was going to talk to him after going to the hospital, but he had found out first. She couldn't read any emotion on his face. His sharp eyes, sharp enough to seem fierce, made her dizzy.
“What is this?”
Ji-heon asked again. But there was no need to urge her to answer any further. Four pregnancy tests, and a pale face. Her reaction was the most definite answer of all. Ji-heon's eyebrows furrowed tightly. At that moment, his cell phone vibrated. Ji-heon checked the name on the phone screen, let out a short sigh, and looked back at Jeong-o. As he took a step closer, Jeong-o flinched and took a half-step back. He moved closer and embraced her.
“Don’t worry. Just rest for now.”
“……”
“Let’s talk about it tomorrow. Okay?”
Pat, pat. The quiet words he said as he stroked her back felt like a blanket covering her shoulders. Even so, she couldn't help but feel anxious. It felt like she would have to take off the blanket once he left. The time of parting wasn't long. Ji-heon, after receiving his coat from Jeong-o, left immediately. Even his words telling her not to come out somehow sounded disappointing to Jeong-o. After he left, all sorts of worries continued to pile up. Could he be doubting her? What will happen to us in the future? What will happen to me in the future? What if he tells me to break up? She couldn't fall asleep even though she was feeling sleepy. The day, which had already set, was too long. He contacted her again around 11 p.m. Jeong-o, who had been curled up in bed, was startled by the vibration and jumped up. She checked Ji-heon's name and immediately answered the phone.
“Hello.”
[Were you sleeping? Sorry.]
“Hmm. No. It’s okay.”
Jeong-o answered, clearing her hoarse throat. But her lips quickly dried up.
[You put tangerines in my pocket.]
He brought up the tangerine story first. Before parting, Jeong-o had put tangerines in Ji-heon's coat pocket one by one. It was a prank that Jeong-o did from time to time. Sometimes she would put in chocolates, and sometimes she would put in candies.
“Yeah. To eat on your way.”
[I ate them well. They were delicious.]
“Yeah……”
It was the usual trivial conversation, but it wasn't the topic she had been waiting for, so Jeong-o answered weakly. Ji-heon's voice was added to her worries once again.
[Jeong-o, let's go to the hospital together.]
“……Huh?”
Her heart sank. Why does he want to go to the hospital together? What is he going to do there?
[I looked it up, and you have to get a mother and child health handbook there. Isn't that right?]
“……”
[It said they check and give you one.]
The tension was released, and tears welled up in her eyes. She quickly covered her mouth to swallow the sob that was about to burst out. I definitely used contraception, so how did this happen? Did I have another man besides you? If we have a child, wouldn't it be better to give it up? She had been terrified that such words might come out.
[I'm sorry.]
But he apologized quietly.
[You must have a lot of things you want to do, but I'm holding you back.]
“I thought Oppa would hate it.”
He spoke soothingly to her sorrowful complaint.
[How could I hate it? I'm just sorry to you.]
She thought their bodies were close, but their hearts were far apart. He was a man who was stingy with expressing his feelings, so there were times when she felt hurt. But when he spoke to her so kindly, it felt like her heart, which had been wandering through rough storms, had been led into a warm home. I'm still very scared, but it's still a relief. Because this man is a good person.
[Are you free tomorrow? Let's meet tomorrow and talk. And go to the hospital together.]
“Yeah.”
[Is three o'clock okay?]
“Yeah. It’s okay.”
[Okay. See you then.]
Jeong-o wiped the tears from her eyes and nodded her head vigorously as if he could see her. Perhaps he heard her sniffling, as he added one more thing.
[You must have been very scared all alone.]
This time, she shook her head. No. I'm not scared anymore if I'm with Oppa.
[Don't worry about anything today and sleep comfortably. Okay?]
“Yeah. I understand.”
She was able to smile shyly at the end. For the first time, she thought about the baby. It was something she hadn't expected. If a baby has come to me, I will accept it as a blessing. I will be grateful. I think I can do well. Because I have Oppa. She was about to say her final goodbyes and hang up when he called her again.
[Jeong-o.]
Her name, heard in a round voice. It was clear and gentle, like the sound of mountain stream water spreading on the night breeze.
* Jeong-o. A name as warm as the midday sun, as if putting another layer of clothes on you in the rather chilly weather. A name that brightly illuminates any night.
[Yeah?]
She answered, as if gently enveloping that clear name.
“No. Sleep well.”
I wanted to say, "I love you," but I held back. For tomorrow. Ji-heon took a deep breath after hanging up. He wanted to soothe her calmly, but did his feelings get across? They had never not used contraception. So, there must have been a mistake. There was one vaguely concerning incident. He didn't want to make her worry more, so he didn't mention it, but it seems he caused her even more confusion. He was also surprised but quickly composed himself. The conception of life can be a very difficult journey for some. His mother apparently went to the hospital for a long time, wanting to have him and then his younger sibling, but eventually gave up. So, a child was a blessing. Jeong-o should also be blessed throughout the entire process, he thought. Once his mind was made up, he hoped it would be a healthy pregnancy without any problems. He even imagined the beautiful face of a child who resembled Jeong-o. If so, when they went to the hospital together, hand in hand, they should be husband and wife. Even if the marriage registration was a little late, even if the wedding was delayed, he thought they should be husband and wife in their hearts. He wanted her to be able to rely on him completely. On the way home, Ji-heon stopped by a jewelry store and bought an engagement ring. He couldn't order it to fit her hand perfectly, but the store clerk said they could adjust the size later when they came together. Tomorrow. Yes. Tomorrow. His lips felt parched as he thought about tomorrow's event. She might reject his proposal. She was still a junior in college. She said she wanted to get a job quickly and ease her mother's burden. She said she wanted to join an advertising company and become Korea's best copywriter. She was a woman with clear dreams and many things she wanted to do. Ji-heon's heart ached at the thought that he was becoming an obstacle to the woman he loved. But, let's find a way together.
‘We can do it, Jeong-o.’
I won't ruin your dreams. I'll protect you. I'll become a better person. He never thought he would ever cook for himself, but his life changed after meeting Jeong-o. He learned a few dishes because he loved how her heart softened at delicious food, like a child. He wanted to be loved more because she enjoyed his cooking so much, so he tried more things, and he became jealous when she said the man cooking on TV looked cool, so he worked harder, and eventually, cooking became entirely Ji-heon's responsibility. It was amazing how his life was changing because of her, and before he knew it, he couldn't live without her. Maybe marriage was something he had wanted for a long time. Ji-heon looked at the tangerine Jeong-o had put in his pocket with loving eyes. He ate one and brought the other one home because it felt too precious.
‘Do you know the feeling of wanting to hold on even tighter when you're already holding on?’
Ji-heon smiled, holding the tangerine, which was the size of a baby's fist, tightly. Someday, he hoped that their worries today would become cherished memories. * The next day. Ji-heon contacted Jeong-o as usual.
- Are you in class? Listen to the class well and make sure to eat lunch. See you later. I'll pick you up.
Jeong-o. Contacting her at 12 PM was a long-standing habit of his.
- Yup. C u lata!
The hastily typed reply left a typo. Ji-heon chuckled at her text. He found her so cute. He didn't have time to exchange text messages with her for long. She needed to focus on her class, and he needed to prepare for the proposal. The ring was ready, and he had to go to the flower shop to pick up the flowers he had ordered. He was going to fill the car trunk with flowers, so he had to empty the trunk neatly. He also had to dress nicely. While he was choosing a suit, his phone vibrated. It was his mother. Ji-heon sighed deeply and answered the phone.
“Hello.”
[Are you busy?]
“Yes, a bit.”
Ji-heon's short answer was followed by his mother's sigh from the other end of the line.
[Why did you just show your face and leave yesterday? Without even talking to your mother.]
Yesterday, he had rushed out of Jeong-o's house because of family matters. He had to escort Ms. Jang Young-mi, his mother, to a charity event. He had to play the role of a sweet son about once a year. If he didn't keep his mother in a good mood, he risked being tormented all year long. But yesterday, Ji-heon was also preoccupied, so he couldn't properly escort his mother. He just showed his face as a formality and left the event.
“I'm sorry. I had something urgent to do.”
[Are you free today? Your father is coming home early today, so come over and play a game of Go with him and have dinner.]
“Ah… I'm a bit busy today.”
[Busy again today? What's keeping you so busy?]
“I'll tell you later.”
[Can't you tell me now?]
“Is everything alright? Are you feeling okay?”
Ji-heon changed the subject because he couldn't talk about Jeong-o in detail.
[I'm fine, but your brother was attacked the day before yesterday. Someone threw eggs at his car.]
His mother's voice was exaggerated, as if the eggs were grenades.
“It wasn't my brother who was attacked, it was his car.”
[Either way, it's terrible. Do you know how anxious it makes me?]
“My brother is going to be the CEO of the group. Tell him to be more careful.”
[Do you think he'll listen to me? Honestly, I don't have the energy to worry about even Ji-tae. I don't even have time to take care of my own son.]
Jeong Ji-tae, the director of strategic planning at Sehyun Foods. Ji-heon's half-brother. A talented individual who will one day succeed their father as the head of the group. Thanks to his brother, Ji-heon was able to live relatively free from his father's interference. His mother disapproved of this, but Ji-heon was grateful to his brother.
“Don't worry about me, just rest. I'll visit soon. I have a friend I want to introduce you to.”
[What? Who?]
“I'll call you again.”
Ji-heon threw out a topic that would pique his mother's curiosity and quickly hung up. If the proposal was successful, he would have to tell his parents as well. He was sure that his mother would be a little disappointed at first, but she would quickly come to like her. His mother, who had been his father's secretary, had many ups and downs before getting married. So, she would understand her situation. Ji-heon looked at himself in the mirror, put the ring case in his pocket, and left the house. He hoped today would be a perfect day. He felt nervous and excited as he imagined what would happen in a few hours. Jeong-o. Our child will be so beautiful. The new life, which he hadn't even confirmed yet, filled him with strange emotions. He had so many things he wanted to do. For the baby who would be born someday. He would let them be the first to step on the snow that fell overnight. He would let them see the stars rising. He would teach them how to ride a bike. He would hold their hand. He would protect them. He would look them in the eye and tell them he loved them. He felt a constant tickling in his heart, as if fingers had already formed in the emotions he was experiencing for the first time. Ji-heon went down to the underground parking lot and walked towards his car. Each step he took was heavy yet light. The appointment was at 3 PM. He had plenty of time, but he didn't know why he kept walking faster. But suddenly, a parked car blocked his path. The car turned on its headlights brightly. Ji-heon, blinded by the light, raised his hand to his face to block the light, and the car rushed towards him. Huh.
He quickly moved to the side, but it wasn't enough to avoid it. The car, speeding like a madman, hit Ji-heon head-on. Crash! Screech! Ji-heon's body, lifted by the bumper from the thunderous impact, crashed into the car's windshield and immediately fell off. It all happened in an instant. A flash of light appeared before his eyes, and then the world quickly became blurry. He could feel the hot liquid flowing from his body soaking the ground. No. Jeong-o. I have to go to you. He couldn't move his body against his will. An excruciating pain, as if his body was being torn apart, washed over him. As his consciousness faded, he heard the sound of a car door opening and the sound of footsteps. Thud, thud. The footsteps stopped in front of him. Ji-heon couldn't even lift his head. Save me. Please save me. He shouted it dozens of times in his mind, but he couldn't make a sound. But the perpetrator, without even thinking of saving Ji-heon, asked a strange question.
“Have you ever heard of the name…?”
What? The man's voice was also blurry, as if he had lost his hearing. After asking a pointless question, the man left Ji-heon and got back into the car. With the sound of the car leaving, his breath in this world also became faint. His body felt cold, as if the angel of death had come. He struggled to move his body. He felt the edge of the ring case catch on his fingertips. He thought of his beautiful lover, whom he had wanted to love even more in the many days to come. Long hair swaying neatly like cosmos flowers. Fair face. Large eyes that turned into crescent moons when she smiled. You're someone who smiles so well.
‘Jeong-o.’
His heart also felt like it was being torn apart because he thought she would cry a lot. He wanted to be good to her. He wanted to be better, better to her. He wanted to live happily for a long, long time. Will you give up the child because of me? Yes. It would be hard to raise it alone. But I understand. I love you. Jeong-o. Why did I hold back those words? Why couldn't I express myself more? At the end of a life filled with thick black fog, Ji-heon sobbed desperately. I'm sorry. Jeong-o. I love you…….
